Article: 25756 of talk.bizarre Path: news.duke.edu!duke!concert!rutgers!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (Scott Forbes) Newsgroups: news.groups,rec.humor,rec.humor.oracle.d,rec.arts.startrek.misc,rec.arts.sf.misc,alt.flame,talk.bizarre Subject: =7= 1992 Usenet Olympics: The Marathon, conclusion Summary: I got e-mail today from someone who wants to be a contestant. Help! Keywords: The 1992 Usenet Olympic Games -- exclusively on USPN! Message-ID: <1992Aug8.062412.9153@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Date: 8 Aug 92 06:24:12 GMT References: <1992Aug6.060218.4678@cbfsb.cb.att.com> <1992Aug7.050911.1323@cbfsb.cb.att.com> <1992Aug8.052736.2967@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Sender: news@cbfsb.cb.att.com Reply-To: forbes@icbm.att.com Followup-To: news.groups Organization: Usenet Sports Programming Network Lines: 245 Xref: news.duke.edu news.groups:15290 rec.humor:23392 rec.humor.oracle.d:383 rec.arts.startrek.misc:8756 rec.arts.sf.misc:2660 alt.flame:11918 talk.bizarre:25756 Status: RO [No, you're not hallucinating -- Part 7 was posted at the same time as Part 6, because the AT&T "cbnews" servers are going down this weekend. (There is no, I repeat *no* correlation between the posting of the Usenet Olympics and the sudden collapse of more than a dozen netnews servers. This is purely a coincidence. Trust me.) Alok, Conty and I will return to netnews on Monday; e-mail to other AT&T machines will continue to work normally. And now, our feature presentation... -- SF ] "You can get just so much from a good thing You can linger too long in your dreams Say goodbye to the oldies but goodies Cause the good ole days weren't always good And tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems..." -- "Keeping the Faith" (Billy Joel) * * * The Usenet Sports Programming Network proudly presents: \\ __________________ ___________________ Exclusive Coverage //// _________________ /'\ ______________________________ of the (____) ________________ / . \ __________ 1992 Usenet Olympic Games \ / The Marathon, / \ || conclusion / ' \ || / . \ ._______. / \ | OZ ^| / ' \ |26 mi.^| / . \ '---+---' / \ | / ' \ | / . \ | / \ | / ' \ | / . \ / / ' Brought to you by George H. W. Bush, / . the official wimp of the / 1992 Usenet Olympic Games / ' . \ Peter da Silva: >Welcome back, "sports fans." We're still wandering through the >middle of nowhere on a mysterious quest -- you missed the part >with the enchanted forest and hobbits and Castle Amber, but other >that THAT it's been a dull trip on an endless road, and Chuq and I >are slowly getting cancer from all these asbestos bricks. Chuq: >My friend, you have no reason for such cynicism; at least not yet. >You have yet to reach the end of this road. Peter: >Yes, but you won't even tell me what planet this is, or whether >I'm in Middle-Earth or Middle Ages, or what *any* of this has to >do with making a change to the way USENET newsgroups are created. Chuq: >We are nearing the end of our journey. Look ahead, as we climb >this hill... [As Peter and Chuq reach the crest of the hill, a building becomes visible in the valley below and the Asbestos Road runs toward it. Sunlight ripples off the majestic Roman columns and the beautiful stone architecture of--] Peter: >HEY! Wait a minute! That's LAWRENCE STADIUM!!! [--Lawrence Stadium. A low sonic boom echoes from the direction of the stadium, and small fires are visible in the upper deck...] Peter: [to Chuq] >This stupid road runs in a CIRCLE! I thought you said it led to >people who had the power to change the Guidelines! Chuq: >You're beginning to understand the problem. If you walk to the >end of this road, you will be able to change the Guidelines. Peter: >And? Chuq: >The road has no end. Peter: >Aaaaauuuugh! Why didn't you just TELL me that, instead of letting >me waste all this time?! And what was all this nonsense about >Ringwraiths and Rules and everything else? Chuq: >Without all those things, you would not have believed me. The >very fact that you attempt to change the Guidelines says that you >believe it must be possible, and that mere words would not suffice >to convince you otherwise. Peter: >But wait! The road DOES end! It ends HERE, where it started, at >the stadium! Chuq: [shocked] >Impossible! That would mean that the people who can change the >Guidelines are... [Both men turn to look at the stadium, where the Usenet Olympics are going full throttle...] Peter: >...are inside the stadium. Flaming each other. Chuq: >Better the road should have no end. Peter: >There's got to be a way to convince them! To break the One Rule >and enforce the Guidelines, letter and spirit! But how? Chuq: >You CAN'T be serious. The only time the Guidelines were remotely >enforceable was when the Backbone Cabal ran USENET, and even then >there was argument and dissent. You'll never, never, NEVER get a >group of people large enough to enforce a change to the Guidelines >without causing the net's destruction in the process. Peter: >Something has to be done! I'm going in there. Chuq: >No! Stop! Peter...! > > >Sh*t! > >Wait up! [Will Peter be able to change the Guidelines? Will USENET be saved from destroying itself? Will the One Rule be broken, and the net's spirit of trust and cooperation restored? Probably not. ...Tune in next week and every week to news.groups, though, and watch as the *real* Usenet Olympics continue! \\ ___________________________________________________________ //// ___________________________________________________________ (____) ___________________________________________________________ \ / || The 1992 Usenet Olympic Games || Written by: Scott Forbes Produced by: AT&T (although they may not be fully aware of this) Stunts: (apologies to:) Mike "Vidiot" Brown Lazlo Nibble Gregory "Life..." Bergian Iain Sinclair Alok Vijayvargia Dani Zweig Brian "Hades" Hughes (not "Bryan") Peter da Silva Richard Caldwell Chip Salzenberg Chuq von Ruspach Kent Paul Dolan Chuck Herrick Patrick Yip Jay Maynard Jose Martinez Tim Lynch Jeff Sicherman Brad Templeton Leader Kibo Jawaid Bayzar Roger Tang Susan Chacko Frank Peters Richard Miller Jamie Gritton Don Pardo Bob Costas Emil Jacobs Murphy Brown Peter Arnett Dick Enberg Katie Couric Dick Vitale Bernard Shaw Arthur Kent Marv Albert Tipper Gore ESPN CNN NBC the city of Los Angeles Yugoslavia and/or any parts formerly thereof J.R.R. Tolkien L. Frank Baum Marc Blank & Dave Lebling Stephen Donaldson Monty Python Roger Zelazny The entire "quest" genre of fantasy literature Soundtrack available ("Barcelona Asbestos," featuring the single "This Used to Be a Battleground") at nearby record stores Transcripts of the Usenet Olympics are available for a nominal fee "There's a city in my mind, come along and take that ride And it's all right, baby it's all right And it's very far away, but it's growing day by day And it's all right, baby it's all right Would you like to come along, you can help me sing this song And it's all right, baby it's all right They can tell you what to do, but they'll make a fool of you And it's all right, baby it's all right... \\ //// /'\ (____) / . \ \ / / \ || / ' \ || / . \ ._______. / \ | | / ' \ | | / . \ '---+---' / \ | / ' \ | / . \ | / \ | / ' \ | / . \ / \ / ' \ / . \ / \ / ' \ . \ We're on a road to nowhere