Article: 25011 of talk.bizarre Path: news.duke.edu!duke!concert!rutgers!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (Scott Forbes) Newsgroups: news.groups,rec.humor,rec.humor.oracle.d,rec.arts.startrek.misc,rec.arts.sf.misc,alt.flame,talk.bizarre Subject: =1= 1992 Usenet Olympics: Opening Ceremonies Summary: In a world where words are weapons, the pen *is* the sword Keywords: The 1992 Usenet Olympic Games -- exclusively on USPN! Message-ID: <1992Aug3.052444.27944@cbfsb.cb.att.com> Date: 3 Aug 92 05:24:44 GMT Sender: news@cbfsb.cb.att.com Reply-To: forbes@icbm.att.com Followup-To: news.groups Organization: Usenet Sports Programming Network Lines: 140 Xref: news.duke.edu news.groups:15082 rec.humor:22974 rec.humor.oracle.d:364 rec.arts.startrek.misc:8562 rec.arts.sf.misc:2533 alt.flame:11694 talk.bizarre:25011 Status: R "Well we know where we're goin' But we don't know where we've been And we know what we're knowin' But we can't say what we've seen And we're not little children And we know what we want And the future is certain Give us time to work it out" -- "Road to Nowhere" (Talking Heads) * * * Don Pardo: >The Usenet Sports Programming Network proudly presents: \\ \\ ________________ //// __________________ Exclusive Coverage //// _______________ \\\\\\ _____________________________ of the (____) ______________ //////// _________ 1992 Usenet Olympic Games \ / (________) || \ / || \\ \ / \\ //// \ / //// \\\\\\ || \\\\\\ //////// .__________. //////// (________) |_. .__. ._| (________) \ / | | | | \ / \ / \\._| |__| |_.\\ \ / \ / ///|__________|/// \ / || \\\\\\ \\\\\\ || || //////// //////// || || (________) (________) || \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / Brought to you by Nintendo, || || the official entertainment system || || of the 1992 Usenet Olympic Games || || [Computer-generated graphics of athletes, volcanoes, etc. whiz by as trumpet fanfare plays in the background. The camera fades to USPN Olympic Headquarters, where Bob Costas is sitting at a desk surrounded by television monitors with the '92 Olympics logo.] Bob Costas: >Hello once again from USPN and welcome to the '92 Usenet Olympics! >USPN is proud to continue its tradition of excellence in bringing >you exclusive coverage of the 1992 Usenet Olympic Games, featuring >participants from over 105 newsgroups in a stunning display of >strength, stamina and pain tolerance. >Our coverage will begin in a few moments in Los Angeles, where the >Opening Ceremonies are about to begin. But first we have these >words from our sponsors: .-------------------. Collect all 256 hologram | Usenet Olympics | Usenet Olympics Trading Cards! of the \.| Trading Cards | athlete \. | .-------------------------------. on front! | \. / | | Mike "Vidiot" Brown | | \. \O ungh! | | Gold medalist, Long Post | | /\ | | | | /| | | | Set world record in '91 Games | |------/-|_ | | | | - / ) | | Favorite television program: | |_________- | | "The Honeymooners" | | | | . | |Mike "Vidiot" Brown| '--------/----------------------' | rec.arts.startrek | / '-------------------' Fun facts on back! Look for Usenet Olympics Trading Cards in specially marked packets of AppleTalk, the Official Protocol of the 1992 Usenet Olympics. Emil Jacobs: >We're back, and welcome to Lawrence Stadium in Los Angeles where >the Opening Ceremonies are about to start. The crowd here in L.A. >has been working up to this day for weeks and months, starting >with the announcement several weeks ago that the city had beaten >several contenders, including Sarajevo, Beirut, and Baghdad, for >the right to host the '92 Usenet Olympics. Murphy Brown: >Yes, they were celebrating in the streets for days after that one, >and that same feeling of excitement has carried over to the crowd >sitting with us here at the stadium. Just outside the building >the various teams are lining up and preparing to enter, and USPN's >Peter Arnett is there. Peter? [The camera shifts to an argument in progress.] Lazlo Nibble: >--behind the rec.arts.comics.* teams, or else over there with >rec.arts.anime! Iain Sinclair: >Hah! Rec.arts.manga is either marching right beside r.a.comics >or in front of it! Peter Arnett: >Murphy, we're having a few problems getting the teams to line up >in something resembling a linear order-- Gregory "Life..." Bergian: >No, no NO! The "unix" teams should be after comp.os.*! And get >the rec.arts.startrek.* teams out of here! Alok Vijayvargia: >My team goes first! Dani Zweig: >Will somebody PLEASE get the soc.culture.* teams organized? >There are more teams than there are athletes! Bryan "Hades" Hughes: >Hey! That belongs in the top-level "us.*" hierarchy! Joe Usenet: >WHAT top-level "us.*" hierarchy? Peter Arnett: >It may be some time before these teams are ready, Murphy. Emil: >This is a disaster waiting to happen. Bob, I'd predict that the >outcome may be decided by-- [The building is rocked by a low explosion. Sounds of violent decision making are heard just outside the stadium.] Emil: >...flaming. Bob: >Here we go again. Our exclusive event coverage will begin with >Synchronized Flaming and the Logic Jump; stay tuned for more >excitement as the Usenet Olympics get underway. [stay tuned!]