“No one kind of love will satisfy all
our needs on all occasions.”
Irving Singer
We enter the world prepared to perform roles prescribed by society and manage the impressions of others, with the ultimate
evolutionary goal of getting along and getting ahead in the social groups that define who we are. All
men raised in the modern USA and other Western societies are socially conditioned to be strong and independent.
As adults, they feel encumbered if they must depend on another person, and both make unconscious choices,
because of anxiety about their dependency.
That factor tend to destabilize marriage. Without a
woman’s tolerance for or fostering of a partner’s dependence, they often inadvertently are encouraged
to seek sex outside of the relationship, often with much younger partners (in a pervert attempt to prove
their independence and masculinity) and to make choices that entail long periods of time apart.
Extra-relationship sex, as wee as preoccupation with one’s specialty/vocation, and long periods of time
apart from one another diffuse unwanted dependence but, at the same time, undermine both partners’ trust
in and love for each other, as well as the stability of the relationship.
There is another factor here: damaged self-esteem can lead to behaviors that try to devalue the
partner. Woman are especially sensitive to such behaviors, even if they are unconscious on the part
of unemployed male partner. This can increase alienation and dissatisfaction in marriage and lead to
divorse.
The crass commoditization of romantic love (along with notable abuse of sex in advertizing), the
prevalence of photoshopped beauty and plastic surgery as well as unrealistic Hollywood standards, also
does not help, as any stress typically leads to reevaluation of the relationships and new assessment
of the partner. There are some problems with the concept itself. Nineteenth-century German
philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer
believed that
“love is an illusion like no other; it will induce a man to sacrifice everything he
possesses in the world, in order to obtain this woman, who in reality will satisfy him no more than
any other”
But it’s an essential illusion, tricking a man into thinking he's acting in his own interest
when, in fact, he's helping preserve the species. American psychologist Robert Sternberg’s “triangular
theory of love”
posits that it’s simply the combination of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
And M. Scott Peck, in his 1978 self-help classic
The Road Less Traveled, argues that “falling in love” is not love but a “temporary” and “sex-linked
erotic experience,” adding that:
...the myth of romantic love is a dreadful lie. Perhaps it is a necessary lie in that it ensures
the survival of the species by its encouragement and seeming validation of the falling-in-love experience
that traps us into marriage.
But as a psychiatrist I weep in my heart almost daily for the
ghastly confusion and suffering that this myth fosters. Millions of people waste vast amounts
of energy desperately and futilely attempting to make the reality of their lives conform to the unreality
of the myth.
Note the quote: "Millions of people waste vast amounts of energy desperately and futilely attempting
to make the reality of their lives conform to the unreality of the myth."
Millions of people waste vast amounts of energy desperately and futilely
attempting to make the reality of their lives conform to the unreality of the myth [of romantic
love]
Evolutionary psychologists theorize that love is a survival mechanism which promotes interdependence
in mating and
parental responsibility, while eliminating or at least limiting one's exposure to STDs.
The romantic love which combines friendship and passion, in which one loves and feels loved by one other
person over many years, is often asymmetrical in a sense that one partner loves and the other allow
him/her to be loved. When self-esteem has been sufficiently injured, a person does not believe
that he is lovable or that he deserves to be happy, he may not be able to make the effort or find the
courage to reject "opportunities" in infidelity that might arise due to job search or
separation from partner (commuter marriage). This is especially true if the marriage
already lasted more then, say, three years (Love - Wikipedia)
Biological models of sex tend to view love as a
mammalian drive, much like
hunger or
thirst.[16]Helen Fisher,
a leading expert in the topic of love, divides the experience of love into three partly overlapping
stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust is the feeling of
sexual desire; romantic
attraction determines what partners mates find attractive and pursue, conserving time and energy
by choosing; and attachment involves sharing a home, parental duties, mutual defense, and in humans
involves feelings of safety and security.[17]
Three distinct neural circuitries, including neurotransmitters, and three behavioral patterns,
are associated with these three romantic styles.[17]
Lust is the initial passionate
sexual desire that promotes
mating, and involves
the increased release of chemicals such astestosterone andestrogen. These effects rarely
last more than a few weeks or months. Attractionis the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops
out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms.
Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed
to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships
lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as
marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests.
It has been
linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term
relationships have.[18] Enzo Emanuele and coworkers reported the protein molecule known as
the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these return
to previous levels after one year.[19]
Striving for personal happiness and self-satisfaction can, and often become, openly selfish. In this
sense neoliberalism, with its stress of individualism and selfishness as a virtue, badly affects
long term relationships based on mutual trust, like marriage. During Great Depression
men seemed to be more courageous and self-disciplined than they
are now, during the Long Recession; they seemed to demonstrate greater loyalty, and were more interested in pursuing and sustaining
committed romantic relationships.
Unfettered individualism, however, feeds narcissism and that leads to loneliness and "homo
homino lupus est" ("Man is no man, but a wolf, to a stranger," or more precisely "A man
is a wolf rather than a man to another man, when he hasn't yet found out what he's like.")
mentality. One cannot get
close to another human without the capacity to feel empathy with and care for that other person.
High level of individualism are not compatible with the commitment, fidelity, bargaining, and compromises
that successful relationships generally seem to require. It pulls the person in quite different direction.
When IT professionals, who are over 50, found themselves excluded and marginalized: "without
work, without possibilities, without any means of escape." (Pope
Francis on danger of neoliberalism), typical feelings included emptiness,
inadequacy, humiliation, rage, shame, envy, and worthlessness. Additional aspects include grief
over the additional losses that followed the job loss, such as loss of social connectedness, and professional
status. For some people, unresolved conflicts vis-a-vis former employers produce strong revengeful feelings.
For others, self-loathing, contempt, self-criticism, and insecurity or fear of trying new things are
more prominent. That might affect common activities such as attending children's graduations or weddings,
getting through major holidays, sustaining interest in former leisure activities or hobbies. As
the period of unemployment exceeds one year most usually experienced increased and sometimes overwhelming
sadness and grief at what had been lost. Paradoxically, reentering workforce now led to comparisons
of "there and then" with "here and now". Reactions including rage and feelings of unfairness were
not uncommon. Shame and anger are especially notable.
Long term unemployment is a stress factor that breaks many marriages. It amplifies pre-existing conflicts
in marriage. Job loss usually is a very serious blow to the husband's sense of identity and self-esteem.
It is very hard for man, due to their traditional social role of "breadwinners"
in marriage (which historically helped to facilitate the removal of children from the workforce). If
the partner does not want to cushion this blow to the sense of identity and self-esteem, or, worse,
increases it, the marriage comes under additional stress:
This is especially true for husbands, since many men typically define themselves in terms
of their work. That's not to mention that, in some cases, his earnings are the family's main
source of income. Even when this isn't true, a man still tends to perceive his own worth in terms
of his ability to function as a breadwinner. Add to this that without income, running out of
money becomes a very real possibility, since many couples haven't saved enough to get them through
a prolonged period of unemployment. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the
one who feels most responsible to "bring home the bacon."
In families with the breadwinner model, it is common for the non-earner (predominantly women) to
have broken career paths, providing unpaid labor to the family or working part-time. This contributes
to the blow which unemployment of the spouse brings into the family. It also leads to dramatic increase
in financial insecurity or poverty - predominantly effecting women - if the relationship collapses.
One TV series that touches this theme and which I recommend to watch is the first season of The Good Wife TV series.
In March 2007, before the bubble burst, 4.6 percent of the labor force was unemployed, according
to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Three years later, the unemployment rate jumped to 10.2 percent.
Divorce, on the other hand, decreased by 1.4 percent between 2007 and 2008, according to the report,
and then by another 2.8 percent between 2008 and 2009.
... ... ...
“Some research has shown that even though standards of living have increased, their satisfaction
hasn’t increased at all,” Amato continued, speculating that divorce decreases when unemployment rates
climb because couples are not ready to give up their standard of living by having to pay for one
extra household with one less salary. “They wait; they put it off,” he said.
A man’s employment status is a significant factor for divorce. As researchers discovered male unemployment
not only increases the chances that his wife will initiate divorce, but also that he will be the one
who opts to leave (Male
Unemployment Increases Risk of Divorce Psych Central News)
Even men who are relatively happy in their marriages are more likely to leave if they are
not employed, the research found. This dramatic influence of unemployment on males, and the increased
risk of marital dissolution, suggest an “asymmetric” change in traditional gender roles in marriage,
the researchers say.
That men who are not employed, regardless of their marital satisfaction, are more likely to initiate
divorce suggests that a marriage in which the man does not work “does not look like what [men] think
a marriage is supposed to,” the researchers wrote.
In contrast, women’s employment alone does not encourage divorce initiated by either party. That
implies that a woman’s choice to enter the workforce is not a violation of any marriage norms.
Rather, being employed merely provides financial security that enables a woman to leave when all
else fails.
“These effects probably emanate from the greater change in women’s than men’s roles,” the researchers
wrote. “Women’s employment has increased and is accepted, men’s unemployment is unacceptable
to many, and there is a cultural ambivalence and lack of institutional support for men taking on
‘feminized’ roles such as household work and emotional support.”
There is also a notion of "attachment security" This is a measure of how comfortable and stable
a person feels in a relationship. Unemployment decreases the level of "attachment security"
The bulk of marriages occurred by age 28, with relatively few marriages taking place at age 35 or
older. In the USA approximately 42% of marriages that took place between ages 15 and 46 ended in divorce
by age 46 (
Marriage and divorce patterns )Marriages on much younger women are more likely to end
in divorce, as well as marriages that began at younger ages. On average, women married at younger
ages than men. Most marriages occur around the age 30, with relatively few marriages taking place at
age 35 or older.
College-educated men and women married at older ages (for women the average length of the delay is
5 years) compared with their counterparts who had fewer years of schooling. About equal proportions
of men and women who received a college degree married by age 46, 88 percent for men and 90 percent
for women. The chance of a marriage ending in divorce was lower for people with more education.
In general, there is an inverse correlation between education and the likelihood of a marriage ending
in divorce. College graduates are 10 percentage points less likely to divorce. The educational attainment
of women exceeds that of men to a small extent. For those who split at age 46 average duration of marriage
is around 10 years. Around half later remarry.
Women gain roughly 55% in needs-adjusted family income in marriage, defined as income per adult
equivalent; for men, the level of needs-adjusted family income does not change when they make the same
transition. In addition, a 2009 study found that marriage lowers female wages by 2 to 4 percent in the
year of marriage and lowers the wage growth of men by 2 percentage points and of women by about 4 percentage
points.
Just as men with more education were more likely to get married a first time than were men with less
education, men with more education were more likely to remarry after their first divorce. For women
who have divorced, the propensity to remarry did not increase with education.
The marital satisfaction usually declines over the course of marriage. One recent study that followed
couples over a 15-year time frame found that the decline in marital satisfaction persisted over the
entire time period and that the reduction was substantial (Does
Marital Satisfaction Predict Divorce). But it does not mean that it increase chances of divorce
without other additional stressors. Also, one dimensional metric such as satisfaction may not capture
the complexity of feelings and experiences in a relationship.
Despite the commonsense idea that marital satisfaction should be related to divorce, it is not
a particularly robust predictor. Hirshberger and colleagues found that their measure of marital satisfaction
immediately before divorce was not predictive of divorce. Likewise, there was no evidence that there
were initial differences in “satisfaction” in the early stages in marriage that seemed to lead to
divorce.
The only finding linking marital satisfaction to divorce was husband’s dissatisfaction around
the time the first child entered school which was on average when most couples had been married eight
years. This finding is consistent with other research findings that suggest that husbands have
more positive perceptions of marriage and that this buffers the couple’s experiences during difficult
moments.
So when they become more distressed, there is increased likelihood of divorce.
One important factor related to unemployment is that long unemployment substantially increases the
chances of depression (usgs.gov):
According to a study of married couples in the U.S., each marital partner’s level of depression
predicted their own marital satisfaction and that of their spouse as well. Depressed individuals
expressed higher levels of dissatisfaction with their marriage and their spouses were more dissatisfied
with the marriage, also. Untreated depression poses a very real threat to a marriage. Statistics
show that in marriages where one of the partners suffers from depression, the divorce rate is nine
times higher.
That’s the answer you’ll get if you ask a family counselor to describe the “typical couple” who
comes looking for help because of unemployment.
A husband and wife may come because they need assistance reconfiguring the family budget. Because
they have to learn to live with less. Because this has affected their sex life. Because they fight
over what the children should give up and how to say “‘no” to their sons and daughters. Because a
wife resents that she now must be the family’s bread-winner. Because a husband feels he no longer
has what it takes to “be a man,” to be the family’s main provider.
They may come because the stress of unemployment has led to depression or illness. To alcohol
or drug abuse. To anger or violence. To a combination that’s unique to a couple’s own particular
circumstances—to their strengths and weakness both as individuals and as a couple.
They may come because they see that their marriage is crumbling and may not survive. Sadly, some
marriages don’t. “Divorce happens. Absolutely,” noted Sarah Griffin, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor
who has a private practice and also works for the Seattle Archdiocese’s Catholic Community Services
in Everett, Washington. “Problems build up. Resentment builds up. They thought they were in this
for love or at least what they thought love was. But love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision.”
Unemployment can leave an individual—and a couple—feeling overwhelmed, powerless, frightened.
In a word, crushed. Yes, the partner looking for work can follow all the recommended steps for
landing that next job but in the meantime…the meantime can be a long time. The good news is that
both husband and wife can make positive decisions that can ultimately strengthen their marriage.
Here are seven ways to help your marriage when a spouse is unemployed.
The unemployed spouse, Griffin said, can choose to accept that things are the way they
are. He or she can let go of the misguided but understandable belief that “my life has to
be the way things were, or nothing is OK.” Perhaps they need to accept that the new job may not
be as good as the one that’s been lost.
The employed spouse can remember to let the out-of-work spouse continue to have the same
role he or she has always had when it comes to making family decisions. (Griffin pointed out
that “those decisions are usually around money.”). He or she can avoid making the out-of-work
spouse feel (even more) guilty about the loss of a second income by not fixating on “What are
we going to do now!”
Both can keep in mind that with loss comes grief. “Losses can be devastating,” Griffin
noted, “and being laid off is a primary loss.” A loss like unemployment can bring up
old losses nad revive old conflicts.
They can keep an eye out for signs or symptoms that they need outside help. A tip-off,
said Griffin, is a “situation or emotions that interfere with your daily life. You can’t
get out of bed in the morning. You can’t make it through the day. The two of you can’t stop arguing.”.
They can seek help from both informal sources (such as wise and trusted friends or family
members) and professional ones (including private counselors, counseling services, or programs
made available through a parish or diocese).
They can notice and appreciate that, in the middle of all this turmoil, there may well
be some positives. A formerly two-income family may not be able to afford day care anymore,
but now the family doesn’t need day care. A dad may be surprised to discover he really enjoys
being home with the kids. (Not that it’s easier than heading out every day to a job!) Now he gets
to know them, and they get to know him, in ways that wouldn’t have happened without his unemployment.
A couple that has talked about, and seriously considered, simplifying the family’s lifestyle
can realize that now there’s both a perfect excuse to do just that – and little option to delay
this those decitions.
A stressful, high conflict marriage can create more health problems for someone than if they had
never married at all. Another suggests that
a stressful marriage can be “as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit.” Healthy
(and that means polite, tactful) communication is the key here. It very important to be supportive
of one another is such a situation. You need to learn to resolve conflict without doing damage to the
relationship, and this this skill quickly. Local library is your friend. Amazon.com too. Develop
the capacity to be genuine and attentive to needs of other. Forget for a time about male/female stereotypes,
just ry to help the most. Listen without judgment. Show your spouse that they’re a priority. They
really are, when you are hit with such a problem as long term unemployment.
Programmers and system administrator often ignore others because they are immersed in their work
up to the level of obsession with computers. They are literally shunning others, which
can be very painful for their spouses. This might be the time to get rid of this obsession ;-) See also
Computer-related Variants of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
(OCD)
During period of long unemployment the main stress on many families is money. Income is halved
or declines even more. Among the most acute is the the problem of keeping up with the mortgage
payments, if you own a house. It can be really acute, if you "overbought" a house. Those issues need
to be addressed first on a "family council." Selling of house is not the end of the world, but
it can radically improve your financial position. You can't always keep with Jones. People often
overstretch and buy more house then they need. If you are over 50 and have grown up children moving
to an apartment can be not a bad choice to consider. Apartment can be closer to work of the working
spouse, which would instantly improve his/her standard of living. You this is not such a bad decision
after all, if you value your spouse more then a house of course. When one of the spouses is implied
he/she can spend more time to get a better deal. That's money.
The impact of stress and burnout on a marriage can be devastating. Here are some tips on handling
stress. When any of these symptoms start to creep into your marriage, make time together to step
back and re-evaluate your life style and commitment to one another. Do this in a positive way
so that you are not creating more stress for one another. Point out to each other the areas
of your marriage relationship that are running smoothly.
Physical Symptoms:
Difficulty sleeping
Poor appetite or overeating
Frequent colds, flu, other illnesses
Emotional Symptoms:
More arguments
Sexual and intimacy problems
More anger, irritation
Low toleration level
Anxious
Depressed
Tense
How to Cope with Stress:
Eat healthy foods
Get enough sleep
Drink water throughout the day
Make time for exercise
Have some fun and laugh more
As a couple, try to spend some time alone together
The financial tolls for an individual suffering through long-term unemployment (LTU) are obvious.
LTU has also been linked with various
health issues. And in terms
of the effect on relationships, extended periods of joblessness can be truly taxing. Recent research
from Ohio State shows that it may even be a
risk factor for
divorce -- particularly if the husband is the one who is unemployed. Here's how to keep your
relationship strong while your partner is dealing with this hurdle:
Help normalize unemployment
It's the elephant in the room, and avoiding the topic won't make it go away. "Talk about unemployment
as something that happens to anyone and that it is part of the difficulties in life. Share your own
experience or those of others who you know," says Robert L. Leahy, PhD, Director of the American
Institute for Cognitive Therapy and author of
"Keeping
Your Head After Losing Your Job."
Put together a budget
In good times, the greatest stress on a marriage can be money. When income is tight, a budget
is essential to preserving the health of your union. "Put time aside to discuss the budget, which,
ultimately must start with a good look at priorities and values. Even before saying what items stay
or go, the important thing to ask is 'What do we value in our lives? This may include education,
recreation, health, etc.,' says Scott Haltzman, M.D. and author of
"The Secrets of Happily
Married Women" and "The Secrets of Happily Married Men."
Praise any progress
While it may seem like failure is anything short of being employed, efforts to become employed
should be acknowledged. "Reinforce any move forward. Complement the person for efforts made to advance
the job search -- such as informational interviews, job applications, reaching out, etc.," says Leahy.
Maintain your rituals
Try to continue to do what you enjoy doing together as a couple, even if you have to adapt some
activities to your new budget. "Instead of going out to the movies, rent them. Instead of going out
to dinner, cook a gourmet meal together," suggests Damien Birkel, founder of the consulting firm
Professionals in Transition and author of
"Bounce Back!: The Professionals in Transition Guide To Recovery & Reemployment."
Focus on their positives
While it's hard to understand what your partner is going through, chances are they're not feeling
too great about themselves. "Both members of a marriage must try not to personalize the situation.
When they begin to assign blame, it's hard to extricate themselves from the downward spiral," says
Haltzman.
Stop talking about it
While you shouldn't ignore the topic of unemployment, take a break from it at regular intervals.
"Agree in advance that during the weekend that 'being out of work and reemployment activities will
not be discussed,'" says Birkel.
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard.
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word.
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
One person loves, the other person lets themselves be loved...
Find somebody over 28 who understands and likes being the receiving end of that equation. Somebody
who doesn't have to use anger and put-down and covert manipulation to justify 'allowing themselves
to be loved'. Someone who can just sit back and enjoy it. Then maybe, just maybe, I will too.The
Unauthorized Letters of Oscar Wilde - C. Robert Holloway - Google Books
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.
Loveless marriages are horrible. But there is one thing worse than an absolutely loveless
marriage. A marriage in which there is love, but on one side only; faith, but on one side only; devotion,
but on one side only.
The very essence of romance is uncertainty.
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. -- Oscar
Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan,
1892, Act III
No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.
Life is never fair...And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they
forgive them. -- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries
again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. Oscar
Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself. And one ends by deceiving others. That is
what the world calls a romance.
The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both
parties.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry,
their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905
"... The recession may have played a role in pushing women into primary earning roles, as men are disproportionately
employed in industries like construction and manufacturing that bore the brunt of the layoffs during
the downturn. Women, though, have benefited from a smaller share of the job gains during the recovery;
the public sector, which employs a large number of women, is still laying off workers. ..."
"... ...The economists also found that wives with a better education and stronger earning potential
than their husbands are less likely to work. In other words, women are more likely to stay out of
the work force if there is a big risk that they will make more than their husbands. ..."
"... ..."Our analysis of the time use data suggests that gender identity considerations may lead a
woman who seems threatening to her husband [status] because she earns more than he does to engage in a larger
share of home production activities, particularly household chores," the authors write. ..."
"... As of 2011, there were more married-couple families with children in which the wife was more educated
than the husband, according to Pew. In roughly 23 percent of married couples with children, the women
had more education; in 17 percent of the couples, the men had higher education. The remaining 61
percent of two-parent families involve spouses with about equal levels of education. ..."
Four in 10 American households with children under age 18 now include a mother who is either the
sole or primary earner for her family, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of Census and
polling data released Wednesday. This share, the highest on record, has quadrupled since 1960.
The shift reflects evolving family dynamics.
For one, it has become more acceptable and expected for married women to join the work force. It
is also more common for single women to raise children on their own. Most of the mothers who are
chief breadwinners for their families - nearly two-thirds - are single parents.
The recession may have played a role in pushing women into primary earning roles, as men are disproportionately
employed in industries like construction and manufacturing that bore the brunt of the layoffs during
the downturn. Women, though, have benefited from a smaller share of the job gains during the recovery;
the public sector, which employs a large number of women, is still laying off workers.
Women's attitudes toward working have also changed. In 2007, before the recession officially began,
20 percent of mothers told Pew that their ideal situation would be to work full time rather than
part time or not at all. The share had risen to 32 percent by the end of 2012.
... Of all married couples, 24 percent include a wife who earns more,
versus 6 percent in 1960. (The percentages are similar for married couples who have children.)
...The economists also found that wives with a better education and stronger earning potential
than their husbands are less likely to work. In other words, women are more likely to stay out of
the work force if there is a big risk that they will make more than their husbands.
Perhaps even more tellingly, couples in which the wife earns more report less satisfaction with their
marriage and higher rates of divorce. When the wife brings in more money, couples often revert to
more stereotypical sex roles; in such cases, wives typically take on a larger share of household
work and child care.
..."Our analysis of the time use data suggests that gender identity considerations may lead a
woman who seems threatening to her husband [status] because she earns more than he does to engage in a larger
share of home production activities, particularly household chores," the authors write.
Of course, these patterns may change as the job market evolves. College degrees, for example,
are becoming increasingly important to both finding and keeping a job. And women are more likely
than men to get college degrees.
As of 2011, there were more married-couple families with children in which the wife was more educated
than the husband, according to Pew. In roughly 23 percent of married couples with children, the women
had more education; in 17 percent of the couples, the men had higher education. The remaining 61
percent of two-parent families involve spouses with about equal levels of education.
Norms are also changing: Newlyweds seem to show more openness to having the wife earn more than her
husband than do longer-married couples. In about 30 percent of newly married couples in 2011, the
wife earned more, versus just 24 percent of all married couples.
"... Sperry (2010) defined marital satisfaction as how partners meet each other's
expectations. Furthermore, researchers have attempted to identify categories
or attitudes related to marital satisfaction. Marital satisfaction has been
linked to various factors including friendship, companionship, love, commitment,
similarity, stability, and togetherness ..."
"... Still other factors include
loyalty, trust, moral values, respect, patience, and forgiveness ..."
"... Additionally, communication and coping strategies have been linked
to marital satisfaction ..."
"... Couples who engage in the following behaviors during particularly stressful
and difficult times tend to move out of those experiences successfully: positive
interpretations of marital transgressions, correctly perceiving how one's spouse
is feeling about something, and responding empathetically toward each other
..."
"... Furthermore, couples who
are able to positively reframe situations, constructively engage with each other
(rather than withdraw or engage in violent behaviors), and effectively use optimism
during stressful situations tend to be happier and more stable than those who
do not use such coping strategies ..."
"... It follows that maintenance behaviors, such as positivity, openness, assurances,
and networking, have been found to contribute to the duration of the marriage
..."
"... Various studies have confirmed a strong link between marital satisfaction
and marital intimacy ..."
To better understand relational dissatisfaction and duration of long-term married
couples, this study surveyed 30 couples married at least 40 years with the Marital
Satisfaction Inventory. Findings suggest various areas of dissatisfaction (e.g.,
affective communication, conflict over child rearing) and relationship among
and link to other areas of dissatisfaction (e.g., finances, sex).
**********
Most research on marriage focuses on either the dissolution of the relationship
or marital satisfaction among couples recently married or married within the
last 20 years (Bachand & Caron, 2001; Rosen-Grandon, Myers, & Hattie, 2004).
Little has been conducted on the areas of dissatisfaction and difficulties facing
long-standing couples (Henry, Miller, & Giarrusso, 2005). This article summarizes
the results of a study that identified relationships among factors and areas
of dissatisfaction as reported by couples who have been married 40 years or
more. Suggestions for brief interventions as well as further research are provided
based on the information gleaned from this study. First, we present a brief
discussion related to the definition and factors associated with marital satisfaction
and marital duration.
SUMMARY OF THE RESEARCH
Cherlin (2005) stated that "marriage is more prevalent in the United States
than in nearly all other developed Western nations" (p. 43). Although it appears
that Americans like to be married, almost half of all marriages in the United
States end in divorce (Pieper Webb et al., 2010). Despite the limited research,
several studies have examined what actually keeps couples together and suggested
that marital satisfaction, intimacy, and shared religious faith have been linked
with marital duration and stability (Bachand & Caron, 2001; Henry et al., 2005;
Roizblatt et al., 1999).
Sperry (2010) defined marital satisfaction as how partners meet each other's
expectations. Furthermore, researchers have attempted to identify categories
or attitudes related to marital satisfaction. Marital satisfaction has been
linked to various factors including friendship, companionship, love, commitment,
similarity, stability, and togetherness (Bachand & Caron, 2001; Bodenmann &
Shantinath, 2004; Weigel & Ballard-Reisch, 1999).
Still other factors include
loyalty, trust, moral values, respect, patience, and forgiveness (Bryant, Conger,
& Meehan, 2001; Fenell, 1993; Fincham & Beach, 2002; Robinson, 1994; Roizblatt
et al., 1999).
Additionally, communication and coping strategies have been linked
to marital satisfaction (Bodenmann & Shantinath, 2004; Weigel & Ballard-Reisch,
1999).
Couples who engage in the following behaviors during particularly stressful
and difficult times tend to move out of those experiences successfully: positive
interpretations of marital transgressions, correctly perceiving how one's spouse
is feeling about something, and responding empathetically toward each other
(Fields, 1983; Fincham, Paleari, & Regalia, 2002).
Furthermore, couples who
are able to positively reframe situations, constructively engage with each other
(rather than withdraw or engage in violent behaviors), and effectively use optimism
during stressful situations tend to be happier and more stable than those who
do not use such coping strategies (Ptacek & Dodge, 1995; Whiting & Crane, 2003).
It follows that maintenance behaviors, such as positivity, openness, assurances,
and networking, have been found to contribute to the duration of the marriage
(Canary & Stafford, 1992; Weigel & Ballard-Reisch, 1999). Although it remains
unclear if marriage duration is a function of marital satisfaction, examining
the qualities and behaviors associated with marital satisfaction such as intimacy
has served as the focus of research.
Various studies have confirmed a strong link between marital satisfaction
and marital intimacy (Greeff & Malherbe, 2001; Kenny & Acitelli, 1987; Ng, Peluso,
& Smith, 2010). …
In relationships where o ne of the partners suffers from depression, the divorce rate is nine times
higher
"... A Japanese study found that contented people's happy experiences most often
involved connecting with someone. Happy people have a strong bond with at least two out of three of
these essential relationships: a partner, a friend, or a parent. Experts say the best way to improve
a relationship is to invest time and energy in it. ..."
"... Do good things for others. Acting kind or helping others makes you feel capable, compassionate
and full of purpose. In one recent study, researchers could literally see the benefits of kindness.
Subjects were hooked up to a brain-imaging mechanism and asked to click yes or no to charity-giving
opportunities. When they donated, the machine registered a boost in blood flow to a part of the brain
associated with happiness. ..." (Note, if you unemployed you can donate
your time, not money --NNB)
Symptom Checklist: How Do you know if you're Depressed?
There are many symptoms related to depression. Some of these include:
Feelings of fatigue: no matter how much sleep you get, you still feel exhausted.
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism.
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness
Sleep problems: awakening during the night with an inability to go back to sleep or difficulty
falling asleep at night. Some depressed people also sleep a great deal more than usual.
A change in eating patterns: for most depressed people this means a loss of appetite and subsequent
weight loss. Some people, however, react to depression by compulsive overeating and rapid weight
gain.
Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, backaches,
digestive problems, or chronic pain.
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed, including sex.
Restlessness, irritability.
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions.
Intensified self-criticism and diminished self-esteem.
Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
NOTE: Professional help should definitely be sought if a person is experiencing suicidal thoughts.
Happiness Improves Health and Lengthens Life
According to a study in the journal Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, a review
of more than 160 studies of human and animal subjects has found "clear and compelling evidence" that
– all things being equal – happy people tend to live longer and experience better health than do
their unhappy peers.
"Your subjective well-being – that is, feeling positive about your life, not stressed out, not
depressed – contributes to both longevity and better health among healthy populations," said lead
study author, Ed Diener, Ph.d.
Tips to increase happiness
The good news? Recent research reports that you can change your thoughts and actions to increase
your happiness. To increase your happiness, consider the following:
Live with purpose.
People who strive for something personally significant – whether it's
learning a new skill, raising a good family, or changing careers – are happier than those who
don't have strong dreams or aspirations. Pick one or more significant goals and devote time and
effort in pursuit of those goals.
Nurture your relationships.
A Japanese study found that contented people's happy experiences
most often involved connecting with someone. Happy people have a strong bond with at least two
out of three of these essential relationships: a partner, a friend, or a parent. Experts say the
best way to improve a relationship is to invest time and energy in it.
Count your blessings.
One way to feel happier is to recognize good things when they happen.
Express gratitude for what you have privately and also by conveying appreciation to others. If
you have trouble counting your blessings, try keeping a gratitude journal. Write down three to
five things you're grateful for once a week. Several studies show that people who record what
they appreciate experience greater happiness and less anxiety.
Practice kindness.
Do good things for others. Acting kind or helping others makes
you feel capable, compassionate and full of purpose. In one recent study, researchers could literally
see the benefits of kindness. Subjects were hooked up to a brain-imaging mechanism and asked to
click yes or no to charity-giving opportunities. When they donated, the machine registered a boost
in blood flow to a part of the brain associated with happiness.
Cultivate optimism.
Keep a journal where you write your best possible future. Practice
seeing the bright side of every situation. Studies show that optimistic thoughts can be self-fulfilling
and that optimists are healthier, happier and live longer than pessimists.
Share with your spouse insights about everything - the good, the bad and the ugly.
Make a conscious effort to hear what your spouse is really saying with an attitude of acceptance.
Become each other's best friends with unconditional support, total trust and complete honesty.
2. Approach all financial challenges with teamwork and open communication. Balancing
the family budget requires teamwork, especially when introducing children into your marriage, dealing
with unusual financial burdens, or losing a job comes your way. People in love support each other
through thick and thin; if you don't work together to address head-on the economic challenges and
stresses on your marriage, there is little hope of success. Some steps you can take:
Always talk about your finances; don't let a debt or an unpaid bill slip by unnoticed.
Work together to determine your common financial goals and budget.
Never make a major purchase without talking it over with your spouse and sleeping on it.
3. Don't blame each other when things get tough. The blame game doesn't work
in love and marriage and it is destructive. There is a natural tendency in tough times to blame the
one you love for your collective misfortune and stress, but people in love don't blame, castigate
or chastise each other in challenging times. Some steps you can take:
No matter how you feel, always treat your spouse with respect and love.
The truth is, there usually is no one person to blame. Figure out how you contributed to the
problem and what you can do differently in the future.
Give your spouse's opinion serious consideration as you work together to discover solutions
to your problems.
4. Don't wallow in self-pity. No problem has ever been solved by feeling sorry
for yourself or your situation. Successful couples grab "the bull by the horns" and work for solutions.
Making a family work is clearly difficult even in the best of times and even more challenging when
you have many stressors to deal with. Some steps you can take:
Sit down with your spouse to figure out possible solutions to your problem and determine a
plan that both of you can support.
Celebrate your successes as you accomplish each step of the plan. Feeling like you are moving
in a positive direction helps eliminate self-pity.
5. Make an effort to keep the flame of your love affair alive everyday. What
type of priority do you place on making time for fun and
romance with each other in your hectic
lives? Doing so can help you overcome the challenges by reminding you of why you fell in love in
the first place. Some steps you can take:
Make a point of touching your spouse in a loving way at least ten times a day.
Carve out time to have a romantic date with each other: bring home flowers, get a hotel room,
go for a long walk together, drink a bottle of wine watching the sunset, write a love note or
even just snuggle in bed a little longer in the morning.
Plan a vacation (or even just a stay-cation). Nothing helps people reconnect better than a
little time away from the daily grind.
6. Allow each other occasional time for privacy and aloneness. One of the keys
to a successful marriage is when both partners allow each other to have privacy and aloneness. We
live such hectic lives at work and at home that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount
to our ability to engage in any meaningful communication with each other. The quality of communication
can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time.
You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others. Some steps you can take:
The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another
and from one marriage partner to another, and can increase during times of stress. Talk with your
spouse about each of your needs and desires for privacy and alone time.
Work together to determine a plan that you both will honor to allow each other occasional
time for privacy and aloneness.
7. Remember that the simple things matter in marriage and they need to be practiced daily.
Thirty-two years of research on love and
successful
marriage has taught us many things, but first and foremost that no love has blossomed or been
sustained without doing the simple things. Big things don't matter until your relationship has mastered
the art of doing the simple things day in and day out. Too often when we are engaged in stressful
life situations, we forget to just do the simple things for the one we love the most. Some steps
you can take:
Make a list of 20 simple things you will do to make your spouse's life better. Examples include
remembering to say thank you, calling when you are going to be late or leaving a sticky love note
on your lover's wallet or purse.
Be more generous with your time for each other.
Engage in simple acts of kindness and spontaneous feel-good moments.
8. Develop a network of support from family, friends and relatives. You and your
spouse do not have to deal with the stress all by yourself. Don't be deluded into thinking you can
or even should do it alone. Your friends and family want to support you through thick and thin. Take
full advantage of their willingness to help.
Cultivate good relationships with your family, friends and relatives. They can be your best
supporters in times of need.
Don't be shy about asking for help from your family, aunts, uncles or neighbors.
9. Stay healthy and happy, both physically and mentally. It is nearly impossible
to take care of others when you don't take of yourself. Some steps you can take:
Live healthier: take your vitamins and medications, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, cut
down the use of alcohol and nicotine.
Engage in a daily exercise program with your spouse.
Don't forget your annual physical exams.
Dealing with the many stressors in your marriage and in life can be a real challenge. Dealing
with them effectively could not only save your marriage, but also save your life.
For more tips to enhance your relationship get the best-selling and multiple-award winning
book
Building a Love that Lasts. Available wherever books are sold.
Developing a healthy, mature relationship with yourself and learning to self-manage
your reactions is the No. 1 way we've found to manage the stress of a relationship. When we can
handle ourselves well, then we are more able to have an effective relationship with another person.
Healthy communication is key. You can learn to resolve conflict without doing
damage to the relationship - or each other. Develop the capacity to be genuine and heart-vulnerable.
Listen without judgment.
Spend more alone time together. Many couples get so busy that they lead separate
lives and understandably feel disconnected. Schedule regular dates and show your spouse they're
a priority.
Learn HeartMath's Quick Coherence
technique to get you into heart-brain coherence quickly when you feel conflict rising.
Put away the electronic devices that keep your attention off of your spouse.
One that can actually bring you closer together is HeartMath's
emWave®2, our award-winning
stress-busting tool. Using this feedback device to get into heart coherence, you and your spouse
can transform volatile fights into meaningful discussions that bring insight and resolution to
your issues.
"... At least for the time being, dad may need to be willing to play "Mr. Mom" while his
wife takes on the task of supporting the family in a full-time position. ..."
So what should you do when unemployment hits your household and rattles your marriage? We have several
suggestions.
First, if you've been providing for your family but have lost your job, do everything you
can to jump right back into the job market. Don't wait and don't delay. Try to find a position
you can get enthused about, but if that's not available take anything that will provide your family
with a living wage. You can work on longer-term career goals on the side.
Second, though moving away from your support system may sound scary, don't rule out the
possibility of relocating. Here again, the principle is to be humble, diligent, and disciplined
enough to take whatever you can get until something better presents itself. If you have to move,
you can look at it as a fresh start and as an opportunity for the two of you to nurture your couple
relationship away from the demands of family and friends.
Third, be flexible about the "breadwinner" role. Sometimes a wife may have greater
earning potential than her husband - this is just a fact of the world we live in. If she's taken
a part-time job in order to care for her children, that arrangement may need to be re-evaluated.
At least for the time being, dad may need to be willing to play "Mr. Mom" while his wife takes
on the task of supporting the family in a full-time position.
Fourth, look for ways to cut expenses. Identify habits that can be changed and plans
and activities that can be put on hold. Do without restaurant lunches. Avoid buying new clothes
for six months. Turn down the heat and wear more sweaters. Shop at thrift stores or yard sales.
Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life's top stress-inducing
events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment.
But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.
Joe's wife JoAnn says she feels a combination of sympathy and anger towards her jobless husband.
"I don't know what to say to him when I come home from my own job and he's obviously had another
rough day of dead-end leads. The house is a mess and he's lying on the couch in his underwear," she
explains. "I know he's had a rough day, but can't he make himself useful while he's waiting for callbacks?"
A Delicate Balance
Unemployment places strain on a marital relationship for obvious reasons. Aside from the financial
burden unemployment places on a household, a spouse who continues to work faces his or her own issues
in dealing with a displaced, depressed family breadwinner. A wife whose "secondary" job is now a
couple's only source of income may suddenly shoulder the burden of paying the bills. Not only that,
but she must also play the role of counselor and cheerleader to a traumatized, demoralized husband.
A woman in this situation walks a fine line between compassionate helpmate and tough-talking coach.
If you happen to have a "caretaker" personality, you may have to watch a tendency to give your spouse
unspoken permission to stay stuck in self-pity and inaction. Push too hard and you risk coming off
as cold and uncaring.
Anticipate What's Coming
As soon as possible after a job loss, you and your husband should sit down together and strategize
not only the job hunt, but ways you can head off (or at least minimize) conflicts that come with
unemployment stress. The days ahead aren't going to be easy. Put your heads together to come up with
a "plan of attack" - because that's exactly what you'll need to handle the pressures that can undermine
a marriage in these tough circumstances.
Marriage and Family Survival Plan
First, practice an attitude that treats unemployment as a temporary - and manageable -
situation. The repeated rejection that goes with a job search is hard, but the odds are that
a new job will eventually surface if you both remain focused and deliberate in your quest. Keep
a healthy perspective. Be open to what God might be trying to teach you both through this experience.
If you still have children at home, be open and honest with them about your situation.
Communicate realistically, but optimistically, about the future. (It's not the end of the world!)
Plan regular times together as a family to discuss feelings, finances, priorities and how everyone
can pitch in to ease stress at home. Explain that everyone will have to sacrifice (temporary cuts
in allowances, cutting back on clothes shopping, etc.) for awhile until Dad finds a new job. Remind
children that you're in this together - and together you'll come through this, better and stronger
for the adversity you've experienced, and perhaps with newfound compassion for others in similar
circumstances.
Insist on at least one night a week when you can schedule time alone or with your own friends.
Help your husband understand that the time you spend on yourself will help you be a better spouse
when you're together - because it will. Even in the best of times it's good to cultivate your
own hobbies and interests.
Remind yourself and your spouse to take this one day at a time. Help your husband avoid
catastrophic thinking (I'll never find work!). Be positive in your attitudes and pray together
every day for God's provision - for your physical, emotional and material needs, and for your
relationship. And keep talking! Deliberate communication mitigates the effects of depression and
helps boost bruised self-esteem.
Accept that you'll have good days and bad days. On the good days, discuss what makes
them good and brainstorm ways to keep up positive energy (going to bed at a reasonable hour, rising
together, morning exercise, prayer time, etc.). Maintain a routine as much as possible. Be mutually
accountable, setting a daily agenda for both of you: job interviews, personal appointments, chores
around the house, etc.
Unemployment can make people want to withdraw - but avoid becoming socially isolated.
Continue to attend church and keep up social commitments during the week. Share what you're going
through with friends. You need support now more than ever - and contrary to what you might think,
friends will be honored by your desire to confide in them.
Plan activities together that will help you let off steam. Many big-city zoos and museums
have occasional "free" days. Get outside in the fresh air, take a bike ride, have a picnic. Plan
a time where you agree to put aside job worries and focus only on having fun.
Your spouse is facing a tough time, but you are, too. Pray to God for the energy, compassion,
patience and insight to get you through this challenging season. And remember: like all the seasons
that make up a life, this too shall pass!
"... Experts said it took one month for
every $10,000 in salary. My wife was getting concerned; being a stay-at-home mom, she didn't relate
to the job search process. And because I was home, why wasn't I spending more time with her? Tension
mounted. Stress culminated. Fear increased. Not for me, but for my wife. ..."
"... At first I thought my situation was uncommon. But as I met more divorced men through my company,
I was surprised to learn just how common it was. Being laid off seemed to increase the chances of
getting divorced. ..."
"... Further exacerbating the situation is societal
norms. He's the bread winner; he's supposed to take care of the family. But being unemployed, the
spouse's mind frame begins to create an emotional poker game. ..."
"... Stress builds as the saving account balance dwindles. How will the bills get paid next month?
How will we put food on the table? Fear increases at the prospect of major life changes - losing
the house or filing for bankruptcy. ..."
"... This isn't only a male phenomenon. My partner left me after being laid off as well -
even though I found a job within 6 mths. It is an easy excuse. ..."
I was laid off for the second time in November 2005. I'd been laid off once before, so I knew
what to do. I sent out resumes, networked, looked online for jobs and leveraged the resources at
an outplacement firm. By March, I had a few strong prospects but no job offers.
I knew it was going to be a long haul and felt resigned to that. Experts said it took one month for
every $10,000 in salary. My wife was getting concerned; being a stay-at-home mom, she didn't relate
to the job search process. And because I was home, why wasn't I spending more time with her? Tension
mounted. Stress culminated. Fear increased. Not for me, but for my wife.
By June 2006, we had separated, and she filed for divorce. In July, I moved out. I found a job
in August (with a nice pay increase), but the inertia of the divorce process and ill feelings towards
one another was too great. In May 2007, our divorce was final.
At first I thought my situation was uncommon. But as I met more divorced men through my company,
I was surprised to learn just how common it was. Being laid off seemed to increase the chances of
getting divorced.
This suspicion was confirmed
in a study led by
Liana Sayer at Ohio State University examining marital satisfaction and employment status. The
examination found that when men are not employed, it heightens the possibility of either the man
or woman leaving the marriage. Why? We've found that among the men we work with at
Divorced Guys, coupled with the results
of the above study, there are three main reasons for the layoff-divorce correlation:
Marital dissatisfaction amplifier. If marital dissatisfaction is great, the
loss of a job is just another reason to end the relationship. The pesky habit that she has that was
a minor annoyance is now blaring in your mind like a voice through a megaphone. The lack of effort
he shows to help with housework is like a thousand fingernails scraping against a chalk board. Instead
of creating way to stay together, thoughts turn towards dissatisfaction and an exit strategy.
Heightened negative emotion. The uncertainty of sustained living conditions
is like a flame accelerant, feeding negative emotions to new heights. Tension mounts as the duration
of unemployment increases. Accusations regarding the job search effort increases.
Stress builds as the saving account balance dwindles. How will the bills get paid next month?
How will we put food on the table? Fear increases at the prospect of major life changes - losing
the house or filing for bankruptcy.
Broken societal expectations. Further exacerbating the situation is societal
norms. He's the bread winner; he's supposed to take care of the family. But being unemployed, the
spouse's mind frame begins to create an emotional poker game.
The couple starts to fight and jostle for control like two poker pros raising the bet. "You're
home so why aren't you spending more time with me?" "Oh yeah, well why aren't you trying to help
out the household and find work? Then one of the two goes all in and says, "I want a divorce"; the
other can't fold or show too much weakness, so the response is, "Fine, sounds like a great idea to
me."
Let's face it, if two people really loved each other, nothing would come between them. The loss
of a job is a relatively minor event. But as marital dissatisfaction increases, ways to create the
end of a marriage increase. This leads to heightened negative emotions and broken societal expectations.
As I reflect back on 2006, did my layoff cause my divorce? I don't think so. We were not happy.
The layoff just accelerated the inevitable.
Richelle Taylor
This isn't only a male phenomenon. My partner left me after being laid off as well -
even though I found a job within 6 mths. It is an easy excuse.
The Last but not LeastTechnology is dominated by
two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt.
Ph.D
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