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Softpanorama, .1995; v.7. No.8(77) *** HUMOR *** Составитель Н.Н.Безруков
==============================================================================
О К О Л О К О М П Ь Ю Т Е Р Н Ы Й
И С Т У Д Е Н Ч Е С К И Й Ю М О Р
******** Canonical collection of Lightbulb jokes ************
From: [email protected] (The meat-based diet - the recipe for a list of
diseases as long as your arm...)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Canonical collection of Lightbulb jokes
Organization: Middlesex University, London, England
Definitive Collection of Lightbulb Jokes So Far Known
I'm still collecting them so please send me any more you think of.
==================================================================
Before you send or tell me any lightbulb jokes though, I would request that
you read my collection thoroughly, as you've no idea how irritating it is to
be constantly sent/told a steady stream of jokes I've already got or got in a
very slightly different form using the same idea etc.
This collection compiled by [email protected] or [email protected]
Tally so far as at 26/09/94 - nearly 600 questions with over 850 answers,
plus LOTS of other bits and pieces.
With lots of thanks to all those who have contributed, the single biggest
contributions so far having come from the following users : -
[email protected], [email protected], [email protected],
[email protected], [email protected], and myself !
###############
# THE FORMULA #
###############
Posterity is grateful to whoever defined this generating formula. It describes
many (though not all) LBJs. You may find it useful in creating your own LBJs.
Q: How many (name of a class of people) does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: (A finite positive integer F.) One to change the bulb, and the
rest to (behave in a manner stereotypical of their group) or (say something
stereotypical of their group in certain situations.)
Note: If F<2 then the joke can still be extremely funny, but you will
probably need to choose a different generating formula. My personal favourites
are the ones with F=0, as they require the most ingenuity to devise.
The formula itself makes for a good start on another joke (see actors.)
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
original bulb in place 17 years ago.
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
lightbulb lighting up again."
A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting
brighter !!!
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should
we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of
the environment.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to
allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800'
number to order an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a
light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs,
so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we
need a Constitutional ammendment.
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has
made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we
have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept.
of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or
business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light
bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove
the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and
help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it
only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South
Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious
attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent
it, and the American people resent it.
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth
solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At
least I hope not.
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing
my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's
all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for
this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in
the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution
at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even
the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the
American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even
paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra
light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes,
from the lighthouse to the White House.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't
have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have
always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of
the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let
those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair
in the dark].
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question.
I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing
alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.
The next three jokes are about the candidates who are running for a seat in
the Senate for Virgina.
Q: How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hell, how can he? He sold all the lightbulbs to Iran.
Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb
in or not!
(Note: Douglas Wilder decided not to run, but then redecided to run
for a seat in the Senate. Repeat cycle over.)
Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
lightbulb to Iran.
Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone
hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense
examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the
bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the
room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one
to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
A: Just one - Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto
ascent to power in 1987
Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial
("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the
Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one
to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning
out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old
colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the
cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the
next generation.
Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but
the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests
of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature.
Next question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of
inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.
Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic joke.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
Environmental Impact Statement.
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor
to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition
to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb,
a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order
a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal
regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally
finishes screwing it up.
A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs
burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to
enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design
change request form.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group that believes
in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael Anderson '83, a student activist
at Harvard.
(And in a similar vein...)
Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
(Notes : An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do for theirself.)
Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them. Or, none of them. Or several."
(BTW, I prefer "theirself" to any other construction.)
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"
Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
(Well, it was funny enough to have made it onto TV...)
Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the
Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the
house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion
of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at
Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church
to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of
bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas
Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent,
fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the
light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being
screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop
steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's
best friend did it real cheap for me once.
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to
the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even
though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect results.
(They're supposed to be useless...(but we're Europeans, so none of that!))
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive
the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while
he does it.
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other
skater on the knee.
Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
A: JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?
Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Q: How many Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What do you think? (Theatre humour)
Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old
one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger
King burger."
Q: How many anglers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been
*this* big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough!
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so
it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To
the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it
out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and
to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and
met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's
shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox
occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of
existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex
exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the
removed lightbulb.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or
vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone
and change the room. It's all relative.
Q: How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet.
Q: How many of me does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and one to
spend the next 6 months going round telling it to everyone.
Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled
addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up
there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !
Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.
(Notes : Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing limbs, etc.
Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person")
Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the job ?"
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
slip to the old bulb.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without
checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to
accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it
was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been
thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and
one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job
they can get after they graduate.
A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
Q: How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Change it to what?
Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
Q: How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
Q: How many [trying to think of it] does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: ????. One to change it, ???? to ????, and one to complain that even after
all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
(left a bit, right a bit, left a bit...)
A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
(Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are full of
burned-out light bulbs?)
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this
is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and
the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as will fit in the El Camino.
(Notes: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that was popular with
Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped as putting a lot of people into
their cars when they go low-riding.)
Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke
into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native
Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action
Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been
underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara
Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the
way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole
procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We
have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.
Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb ??
A: Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
(Notes : Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters over Iraq.)
Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
A: Siz. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
Q: How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel
and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the
world!!
Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's
bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up
the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little
eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of
dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the
bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.
(and in a similar vein...)
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly
eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was
burnt out in the first place.
(Notes: Is/was this topical to one particular event, or does it just
reflect American frustration with the Arab way of doing things and the
peace process in general ?)
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily
after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get
nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up
late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend
nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city
turns up to watch. (Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.)
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to
perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology
to advance sufficiently to revive it.
Q: How many antibiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.
(This one came to me in a dream, and somehow I remembered it upon waking.)
Q: How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of the effects
on his/her social development relative to same-age peers who sat around
in the dark.
Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
(Notes : This is one of the most impressively durable LBJs. It occurs,
virtually letter-for-letter identical, in lists whose contents are
otherwise wildly different.)
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally
a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front
of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The
size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether
or not the function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in
six months anyway.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
A: One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the
operation is started.
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a
help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it
will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the
drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about
how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1
to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light
bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb
- how we did it" magazine.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb
class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
A: Two-fifty.
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send
him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
A: One, who'll do it for food.
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up
three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his
back, and realize where the light bulb went.
A: Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern
hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty
negligible).
A: Furrfu !
(Notes : - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in Rot-13 (a simple but
commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary against unwanted
exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive language).
Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the
old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame
the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon
LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the
British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never
need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it,
and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?
A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that
noone else had ever thought of.
Q: How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?
swimming
A: None, fish are through the of my conciousness,
and edges
I dark.
like the
Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
(Note: a nice try, but there's no such group. alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite
active, though - BRIAN.)
Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a
while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she
selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes,
so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes
great discontent among the people who have brought really bright,
long-lasting bulbs.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in
with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the
old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come
in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the
whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't
actually add up to 100.
A: An infinitely growing number : -
One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it,
one to post in saying "I got it", one to post
in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying
"Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb
joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post
in quoting everything so far and the
words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the
cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't
get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two
months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to
repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get
it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these ?
I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one
to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by
"Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old
favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.",
three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs
archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic
intervals of two to six months.
Q: How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs NuclEAR WArHead!!
Q: How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let someone else change it, then they point out all
the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
Q: How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because The KILLOR killed him!
(Note : The last 3 all refer to personalities in the rec.humor group.)
Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list and nine to
say "ME TOO!"
(Notes: If you don't beleive me, see the alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels,
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex newsgroups and you will see
threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be
put on non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists.)
Q: How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(With apologies because of some overlapping with the rec.humor answer)
A: Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about it to the list,
one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have
herbal remedies for it nowadays", one to post "And homeopathic ones too, I
read somewhere", one to post in saying he accidentally deleted the original
lightbulb joke and could someone please post it again or email it to him,
one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to
turn it into a cascade, one to post "What's this lightbulb joke you're all
talking about then ?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind of
food", one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe for one then ?",
one to post in requesting Michael Traub look up and tell us all its B12
content, one to post "Will it help cure my auntie's arthritis ?", one to
assert that it probably won't, but its effectiveness at this might well be
increased by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation, two to
condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether lightbulbs are totally
vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one assert that they are and add "I like
lightbulbs. They're low in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too !", one
to announce that she's leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit
more meaningful, three to post in reassuring her that eventually it will,
Lissa Mosley to post that the list moderators feel they must respectfully
request that the discussion be moved to private email as it has been going
on far too long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all this got
to do with ethical veg*nism anyway ?" and suggest the discussion be moved
to alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post in quoting this suggestion and add
"What's that ?". So the discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l
subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and alt.fan.lightbulbs
finds itself taking a few days off from the "My incredible light" and
"Lightbulb death" discussions and come up with some new jokes...
Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her
perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the hardware
store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood,
silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the
bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get
a load of my hardware", he said as he started unzipping his pants...
Q: How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and post something
about how lightbulbs are so masculine to the group, two to post in
disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole
terminal room in Keele to sit there discussing it only among themselves,
one to post a coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to
complain that the women always get flamed more than the men, Menya to say
that lightbulbs are sexy as long as they're orange and could someone bring
her a nice hot one, and two people to post in suggesting a boink so they
can all get together and change the lightbulb, with real friendship and
good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds. During all this
time, not one person dares risk losing points by posting a personals ad.
Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.
Q: How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a lightbulb
A: None. Torches are more traditional.
A: 23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their family tradition
regarding lightbulbs is more justified and ancient than anyone else's.
Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off
that noone ever has enough time to get anything done !
Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
Q: How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
(Notes : This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.)
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted
to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it
will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2 .
Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no
submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been
submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about
12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
A: ---- You should have hit "n!"
Note: The second answer refers to the way of skipping an article in an
electronic news reading program.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar
one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one
come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing
that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper
praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends
up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union
steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.
Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
Q: How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Farm.
(Notes: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques)
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.
(An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party
or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's
a fish !")
Q: How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: surrealist.
Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in
a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker
spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light
while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
(what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "And that's magic !"
Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
(Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent).
Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his
greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it,
and one to maintain it afterwards.
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules
to do unit testing, it stops working.
A: The change is 90% complete.
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to
maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?
A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we
have who can get the software ready to ship
to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer
to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one
lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users
who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which
point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was
a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as
"None. It's a hardware problem.")
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in,
and two to explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just keep everyone out of the room.
Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2
bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the
potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert
channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book"]
Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we
just find them.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and
dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!
Q: How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. All of the lightbulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such
won't fit your particular implementation of the socket.
(However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that
the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use
any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first
Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile
all the libraries...
Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise
20 goto 10
Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his
light-bulb in THEIR socket.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
[Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP
programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion.
(cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion)
These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as
in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED:
A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ]
Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
A: It depends : -
If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice
as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant
of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows.
If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using
PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the
user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for
changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a
spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user
to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT
which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve
different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb
into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to
explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay
to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site
sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to
explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an
incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert
new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is
fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into
a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front
end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little
speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that
management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to
prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking
credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well
as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second
SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of
light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs
(made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and
background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten
to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to
ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
A: Please let us know!
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That
needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,
and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals
doesn't tip over.
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15
manuals on the shelf.
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity
of the) output.
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
(Notes: I presume the above refers to some programming language called SAS ?)
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
(Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is included
as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ("hack") to do it.)
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "The user can work it out."
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be
working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician
before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card
first, which is extra.
Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert
the new one.
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look
and feel" of the bulb changing method.
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old
sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
(thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...)
(any improvements on these answers will be gratefully received...)
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?
(Notes : Refers to the previous answer.)
Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None: they do it in the fruit.
(Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat,
mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.)
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.
Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go!
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change
the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.
Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per
family to save electricity.
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and
brag about it in the pub afterwards.
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one
to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the
bulb and screw it in.
Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it...
Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and
one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive
Christmas tree decoration.
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom
person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2
starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and
tell us he's doing it all wrong.
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it
better without the lightbulb."
Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
in on the guest list.
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around
and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they
know the guy who owns the socket.
Tourist:
Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a lightbulb ?
Welsh Choir:
No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...
Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other
how they could have done it better.
Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under
her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for _you_ dear."
(That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)
Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal
chords. Have the bassist do it."
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect
YOU to understand.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the
loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with
the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how
good the old one was.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything
to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance
they want to do.
Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it
to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the
dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the
remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't get up that high.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how
much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how
David Sanborn would've done it.
Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've
done that !"
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a
bit differently.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are
trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if
you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new
model bulb out which is much better.
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
(With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.)
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't
just be pushed in.
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
A: 10. One to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham
(or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
A: One .. Two, and a-one two three four
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way
Bill Monroe would have done it.
A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it
again anyway after everybody else is done.
A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and
the other to play harp.
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs
about the old, wornout lightbulb.
Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'
in the wind.
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
A: Four. "Why four?" I just recon it to be about four, pal.
A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
(Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk
band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.)
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to
put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing
that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the
floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and
so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to
buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way,
they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily
trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of
special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his
long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by
crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least
*sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers
what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the
squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is
just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the
lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the
dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers
gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that
makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed
lightbulb in its mouth.
Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
(Notes : Could someone please tell me if this is referring to anything...)
Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
collections in the bulb's name.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts.
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
(Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the joke is that
during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be pledges by
standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have been an
American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.)
Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
(Commentary from an American on the last two : - "Frat" is short for
"fraternity." In college, many undergraduate males join a fraternity; girls
join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common being the
"better" social life associated with the Greek system in general. (The Greek
system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) "Frat guys" are
stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party animals. "Sorority
chicks" are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There are a lot of
other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any confusion.)
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it
it was politically correct.
Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have council fires instead.
(Commentary from an American : "Native Americans" here doesn't refer to just
any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people from India
who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal peoples of
the American continents. With me so far? A "council fire" is a social event for
these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice that may or
may not have been common among certain tribes of the American Northeast. As to
why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.)
Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean,
er, the lightbulb.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's
screwing it in the wrong way.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it
with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to
bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb
fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest
of the band.
Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who
was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
Q: How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the
burnt-out one!! (Comment from me - Nice one !)
Q: How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.
(Explanation : Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles))
commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny.")
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering
"ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on
the new one.
(But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?)
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or
similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn
Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing
software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to
buy the new one.
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were
going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like
organising each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.
Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half
an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask
Michio Kushi for instructions.
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the
ambulance.
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think
beautiful thoughts.
Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
(with eternal thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)
Q: How many dinosaurs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to
evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in. :)
Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open
plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying
yourselves.....
A: None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be
bothered to do a simple thing like change a lightbulb for them,
and after all they've done for you...
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back.
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady.
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the
packaging.
Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one
to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they
should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new
lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in...
and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...
Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.
Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail,
and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
Q: How many law students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rulebook gets
defenestrated !" and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi
(can't remember the end of this word) end of his friend's last remark.
Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That's a second year subject.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
$100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
incredibly vital question.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand
around wondering why they weren't chosen.
A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
(Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive.)
Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.
Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A: One if at home, but on school time, four.
A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a
million to pick up the pieces.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
bill the government for the house.
Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to
organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo
Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks
for a new one.
Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd
really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with
other men.
A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because
it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about
the shade !
A: Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Sixty-nine.
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
A: Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.
Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Who needs lights ?"
A: None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they
wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
A: None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket.
A: Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and
another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how
oppressed the socket is.
A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw
crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a
representative of mainstream feminism.
A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
A: 11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness
support group!
A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed
by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were
the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb.
A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a
third of the way in.
A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing.
A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female
electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any
man who tries to interfere.
A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications.
A: "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
A: 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the LB be changed!
A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
A: One! And it's not funny! (stamping foot)
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
(Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to be where
women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a reputation for
militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists'
supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.)
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it,
and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many
there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.
A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on
just by rubbing up against them.
A: Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
A: One -- men will screw anything.
Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
A: None. They have the girls do it.
Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing
what they all want to do next.
(Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever
puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.)
Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm well I
don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I
woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..."
A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(and
optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light.)
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future.
Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 2. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"
Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.
Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices
that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so
farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
(Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.)
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.
Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to
being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead,
they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT ....."
Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
(Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke referes to the
many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the United States.)
Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much
better it was in the Sixties.
Q: How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss
the environmental impact.
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
(I also heard this joke told about new-agers.)
(This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of
students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that
only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch
had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.)
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she
is familiar with.
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the
problem to the previous question.
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Weiner, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist,
one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
(Notes: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam
papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers,
it depends on whether the lightbulb is negatively or positively screwed.)
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician.
(Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...)
(Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but
most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.)
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' damn business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to
replace it after the ensuing publicity.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder
steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the
other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a
coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way
of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with
the yuppies.
Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to
withdraw its labour.
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to
be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and
individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which
obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years
will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and
replace them.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be
done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to
design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and
screw itself in.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
(Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of young females
from certain parts of California who are noted among other things for using
vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.)
Q: How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw in Cortinas.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes
ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb,
and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round
to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it
anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will
be working a bit better the next time they see it.
(I made this one up, based on my own experience of NHS injury fixing.)
Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
(From the Daily Mail.)
Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
("funny" version)
A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the
replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the
delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
(Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)
A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one.
Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department.
Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case.
Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually
or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole.
Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts
needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he
cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes
work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance
department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task
completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member
of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go
into department's workload report.
Three more allegedly true stories : - (I'm sure there's a moral somewhere...)
While in Poland, a friend needed a light bulb replaced in his hotel
room. He called the front desk and several minutes later three men
arrived to perform the task.
It really happened to me 2 years ago in one of the best hotels in Bukarest,
Romania. I was led to a room with no light. No bulbs. After complaining, I
was shown another room, rather than having the bulb replaced. The new room
did have lights on the ceiling, but the nightlights near the bed were out.
So I complained again, and they sent someone up to do it. He brought a
functioning new lamp identical to the one next to the bed. Then he removed
the bulb from the new lamp, screwed it into the old lamp, took the new lamp
and left. I was rather stunned...
Here is a true story with a slightly different spin.
Several of my librarian colleagues and I were gathered by the reference
desk chatting. A professor approached and asked "What's going on? I've never
seen so many librarians at one time."
"We're changing a lightbulb." replied one of my colleagues.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
(Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.)
Q: How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm with the
old one.
Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer
it with the lights off.
Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know yet. No has ever tried to attempt this
complex (by standards) technical feat.
Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the
new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved
over many years by small steps,
o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any
form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their
place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of
their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference,
and
o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop
itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single
candle instead of cursing the darkness.
Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over
whether or not the lightbulb exists.
A: Define "lightbulb".................
Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
changed it to "light bulb".
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.
(Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian
saints and biblical figures glowing with light.)
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
(Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about Zen Buddhism.
Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he just IS. Zen
masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation (2nd
answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, on which I'm
no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim to have.)
Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.
Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
(Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.)
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
Salman Rushdie in the dark.
Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hari Krishna."
Q: How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they provide their own illumination.
A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
bulb last rites.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
A: 200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see
the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how
that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out
as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,
2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more
are gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satanism
newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble
paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our
beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the
lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that
if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper
god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and
at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used
to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do
all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on -
unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever.
Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
light bulbs too.
A: One, and thirty natives to see the light.
Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off
the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
Q: How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?)
(This is evidently a "hunt sabs" joke.)
(Commentary from an American: I don't get "hunt sabs". In any case, I
still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in the US happens
that requires the continued presence of the police, one always gets
dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because everyone always
slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police cars.) So we
could also count another five to stand around going "Show's over, nothing
left to see here, folks, move along."
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to
stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up
and shouting "Objection !"
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
really screw a bulb...
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house,
and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one
to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to
stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the
bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
(another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.)
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to
drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect
them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it
at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured
on the back page of the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out
from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who,
then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other
side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it.
(or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it)
(Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best overall college
football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerly
the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The joke
relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not
more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.)
(Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few Heisman
trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the
joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes, former
head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head
coach, it might be more humorous.)
Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice
bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
(also Buffalo Bills)
(Commentary from an American: Oh, please :-). I live in Buffalo, so
it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. The Broncos
have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins-"blowouts".
Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last three
straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.)
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! Brian.
Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how
much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban; e-mail
list maintainer]
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump
onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of
the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round
and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white
stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about
something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the
screwing began.
A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures
of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the
new bulb to let the room stay dark.
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before
it was lit up.
Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
ramifications of the change.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A: Only one. "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
(Note: This joke is about an American ad for light beer=reduced calories.)
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What?! And ruin my nails???
A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant.
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
(Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.)
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her
friends about it.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
Notes: Ugh!
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
The next three jokes were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
(Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..)
Q: What do they do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.
Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
A: All of them.
(Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part machine part
humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and assimilating
all those poor people into their collective and turning them into Borgs.
From what we can tell from the ST:TNG series, the Borg act as a collective
rather than on an individual basis (with the exception being those such as
Hugh who encountered lifeforms who act individually) hence the second answer.)
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.
Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints
will provide a quite nice illumination.
(Someone please tell me what TV programme this is from...)
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I
was up there !"
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical
manner according to the part they're playing (See the formula @ the start.)
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic.
(Notes: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in plastic.)
Q: How many MTV cartoon characters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Lightbulbs suck or something... Huh-huh-huh...
Yeah ! But lightbulb jokes are coool... huh-huh... Huh-huh... Lightbulb
jokes kick aaaasss... (inserts hand into trousers and rubs up and down...)
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the
hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until
one of them figures out to turn it off.
Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the
house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
(Notes : BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, repsonsible
for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !) Branch Davidians siege in
spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second punchline suggests.)
Q: How many xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents, narcs, deans) does it
take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to seize the lightbulb and the others hold him very very still,
because they KNOW the world turns.
(Someone please explain this one ! Surely it's not the same joke as egotists ?)
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he
turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of
the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true
light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the
bulb gets screwed in.
(Explanation : Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called dialectics to seek
answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions. Shortened it is "thesis,
antithesis, synthesis". Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle
ground through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made light'.)
Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if
they need light they go out and look at the sun.
Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
Q: How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying
cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat.
Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey,
how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis
in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....
Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively
modern invention.
Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is
incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a
big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a
hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin
so they can all watch his moose moult.
Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest
event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
A: One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
(Can someone please explain what amusing little event this is referring to.)
Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
tight circles.
A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it
down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.
Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't
going to hatch.
A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
Q: How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story
about "last night."
(Notes : This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work there. The
stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a few bedroom exploits.)
Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it
feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot
of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while
doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by
its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.
Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the
new one in.
(A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by Canadians.)
Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
shows, and one to play classic rock.
Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something
to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
Q: How many does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because:
"I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"
"If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
brighter one, so where will it all end?"
"We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world
three times over."
"We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone
is hungry anywhere."
"We don't know what effect all this artificial light will
have on the future of mankind."
"Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."
"Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
"The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
"It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color
sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status,
national origin, or need."
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many furries does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb. Three
to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear clothing which
emphasizes curves and musculature, and look cute and dangerous at the
same time.
(Notes : furries = characters in what's called "furry" science fiction. Best
depicted on cover art; the men look like bodybuilders, the women are
indescribably buxom, and both wear some version of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes
to show as much skin and musculature as possible.)
Q: How many furfen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb up the ladder and change the lightbulb. One to
complain that there was too much erotica in the previous answer and this
one, and that people should come up with more non-erotic answers because
of the impact on public negativity towards furriness. And the third to
explain about their erotic dreams involving furry lightbulb jokes.
(Notes : furfen = fans of furries. "fen" is a long-used plural for "fan".)
Q: How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright !
Q: How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
(Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced "hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are
an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above refer to various further subsects and
their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their
belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver
joke refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman,
and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group
feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their
adherence to the sex-role distinctions prescribed by the Bible-in one area,
they've been fighting with local authorities about school busing, because they
believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the school system
employs a lot of women as bus drivers.)
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
(Notes: Carl Sagan is an astronomer/physicist/TV presenter etc but I still
don't understand the joke, unless "billions and billions" is his catchphrase ?)
Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around
to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb
costs 3 million dollars.
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
(Notes: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial Americana, written
(pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the 1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty
lifestyle in the form of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice play
on words.)
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
(Notes: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space Odyssey.
It's more the book, actually. That and "The Lost Worlds of 2001" should
help illuminate this one. The big black monoliths, according to the books,
are meant to help man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but
more explicitly stated in the books.)
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's something to do
with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to
prove things.)
Q: How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: As many as you think it takes.
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian inference (and
about the subjectivity inherent in "classical" inference) since then -- so
spare us the flames about the misperceptions on which the above joke is based.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
(Notes: The "dadaist" answer, like dadaism itself, goes further than the
surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least bears the semblance
of a relationship to the question, the dadaist one is the punchline to
another joke entirely.)
Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?
(I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the dark anyway ?)
Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
There now follows 14 lightbulb jokes which I found entitled "LIGHTBULBS THE
KNOWN WORLD OVER" and I don't understand a single one of them ! Help !
Q: How many Westerners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why would you want to do that? It's been just fine for 25 years!
Q: How many Calontiri does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One hundred and two, but _what_ a ceremony!
Q: How many Easterners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but they have to take a vote first to decide who.
Q: How many Meridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he has to get it drunk first.
Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.
Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows. They can't figure out what to wear to change one.
Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!
Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?
Q: How many Midrealmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They won't say until they've consulted the Curia Regis...
Q: How many Ansteorrans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Was that a rattan lightbulb or a fencing lightbulb?
Q: How many Atenveldters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother, they prefer solar power anyway?
Q: How many Outlanders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: If it's less than a 14 hour drive it's not worth changing!
Q: How many Lochac-folk does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it screws in counter-clockwise.
Q: How many Oerthans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes them six months to notice it's burned out!
Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the
room to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
(Notes: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of self-esteem-building
programme that was popular in the late 1970s. The sessions were as described
in the punchline.)
Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against
the will of God.
A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
(Notes: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania Dutch", who
mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted
for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using
such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look
and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they
drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German
Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people
misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint
lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chance
to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.
Q: How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can't say.
A: Three, in fourteen countries.
(Notes: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric Oliver North
was acting under, and which is often accused by people such as Gore Vidal of
secretly governing the country.)
Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they
need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
(Notes: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
(Notes: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their
economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were
more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government
economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle
would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently
whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)
Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
(Notes: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University
of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)
Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
(Notes: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and
theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This
relates to his theories.)
Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
(Notes : None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a
play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and
ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb
and the hallway lamp is still out.)
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
(Notes : Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who was a real
bitch to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation.)
Q: How many marginals does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist.
(Notes: Anyone know what a marginal is or does ? It sounds like a rude
reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting foreign objects in each
others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal" is some regional insulting term for some
kind of male homosexual ?)
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
(Is this a science-fiction in-joke ?)
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
(Notes : Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent
bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep
their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would
probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.)
Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
(Notes: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.)
And now for some other jokes about lightbulbs that came my way...
Q: How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
A: First he bites off the old one.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
and hurt ourselves.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
A: Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
A: Cos it was autumn. (eh ?)
(Thus combining the twin themes of lightbulb jokes and
jokes about things falling out of trees...)
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic ?
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
A: Eno.
KID 1: My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
KID 2: Oh, yeah! Sez who?
KID 1: Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the light, and
I'll eat it!"
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
Q: Why does it take three women with PMT to change a lightbulb ?
A: Cos it does, RIGHT ?
Q: What did the lightbulb say to the fuse ?
A: That's a blow !
Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
Q: How many chess computers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the lightbulb by capturing it en passant, one to put
the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed,
one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the
other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.
Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too "Short".
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file
three millimetres off it first.
Q: How many ping pong players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to
change the lightbulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix
the lightbulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us"
catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for
50p less.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Question - are there regional variations in lightbulb jokes ?
And then there's the joke about the Polish rabbit...
*************************************************************************
* Well, we've come to the end of the normal size lightbulb jokes !! But *
* for those dedicated enthusiasts, here's my collection of longer ones. *
*************************************************************************
Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will
study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be
raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be
from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the
bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of
changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will
be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the
old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will
cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb
failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip
to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most
congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian
light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing
system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The
surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light
bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will
be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling
the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of
free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will s
end every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to
get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting
to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled
Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask
Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't
stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and
ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits,
murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the
Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to
carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to
escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return
party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at
the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the
lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism,
sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(short (Not Nigel !) version)
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the
lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and
call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947
tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others
are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was
better before they changed the lightbulb.
(long version, published 6 months later)
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the
lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests
the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged
player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The
director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says
that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes.
Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says
it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks
the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The
deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb
defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the
bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA)
as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15)
is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party
(17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman
then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and
storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing
Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he
will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold
the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light)
championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26)
playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence
increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks
into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has
the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled
from world chess for creating a disturbance.
(Notes : Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to
a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.)
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
And now for three more versions of the story just for good measure : -
(OS versions)
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell
Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT,
Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to
screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
A: All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal,
Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian
invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early
demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.
A: (long version)
The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat
to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up
some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours
but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an
emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any
known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three
security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the
Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the
security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies
when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy
are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be
in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too.
Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be
useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the
chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a
duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone
crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the
chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love
with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers
her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to
kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is
not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties
of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating
Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is
convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he
returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the
light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break,
they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the
bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just
happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the
starfield appears, and the episode ends.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress,
I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and
remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the
dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a
hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and
replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design.
Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just
before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry
truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
And now for a monster one donated by anthony5 from rec.humor.funny
Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state,
One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver,
One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model
of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16):
[One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic,
One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic,
One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to
show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't
non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL,
One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the
completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution,
One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem
prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of
lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't
complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate
how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call
the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system
to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new
bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One
to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to
rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go
the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to
the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the
planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to
indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb
changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians'
changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines,
One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great
accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The
same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One
to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing
behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to
bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the
group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make
incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to
rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another
to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp
dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on
BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of
code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One
to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One
to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One
to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so
that it drops the right number of bulbs.
And now for another monster that I sort of screendumped from rec.humor : -
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry
way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said
direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to
maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties.
The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his
heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the
objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress
and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
And now for yet another monster someone sat down one day and worked out...
How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
92 - As follows:
2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in
addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage,
AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when
we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements)
compatibility/architecture study.
3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows
function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet,
flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
(!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
(bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation -
screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.
The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of rec.humor.d)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses
fossil fuel to destroy it.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a
gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the
dark being squished into the wires.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.
The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : -
Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes? That's because electrons are blue.
Q: How many earthlings does it take to shjlexrifby a grlbugre?
A: Indeterminate: they don't even know what a grlbugre is, let alone how to
shjlexrifby!
> Not funny, sorry.
Of course not; that's the second level to the joke !
Not only do we not know how/what, we are we can't even comprehend the joke.
Kind of like "How many australopithecines does it take to change a lightbulb ?"
(I heard this joke from one of the sentient liquid-helium creatures (ybriki)
from kappa indri IX. (This star is not visible to the naked eye from earth.
Of course, liquid helium only exists at temperatures within a
couple of degrees of absolute zero, and the liquid has several peculiar
characteristics. For this story, three of the important characteristics are
that it exists only as a layer 1 atom thick on any surface; that opposing
flows of the liquid pass through each other without resistance; and that it
adheres to surfaces by the strong nuclear force, which is orders of magnitude
stronger than gravity. Consequently, they are essentially two-dimensional, can
not conceive of a third physical dimension (any more than we can concieve of
any of the physical dimensions 4 through 13), and have great difficulty
participating in team sports.
The following is a summary of a long interview conducted through several layers
of insulating glassine, using a faulty universal translator.
A grlbugre is a very distant cousin of the lightbulb, although because of the
physical constraints of ybrik ecology, it is two-dimensional and must never
exceed a temperature of 3.4 degrees kelvin; otherwise it will evaporate any
ybrik within the heated radius. It doesn't actually radiate light either, as
ybriki have nothing resembling eyes, nor any need for them. It actually
broadcasts what we might interpret as a form of emotion. This is generated by
circulating two or more opposing currents of liquid helium, each contaminated
by a specific set of chemicals, over the surface of a small disk of solid
oxygen. We call this disk an electrode, although the analogy is very poor.
Now: "shjlexrifby". As best as I can discern, this involves simultaneously
altering the characteristics of the 'electrode' to a state that is -not-
superconducting (while not altering its temperature), while introducing
higher-level harmonics into the flow of -one- of the helium currents and
reducing the concentration of neon in the other. This results in a subtle
change in the spectrum of the grlbugre emissions, which informs the ybrik
that the mating season has begun.
Now, mating among the ybriklo; that's another complicated story....
*** News item waiting to be turned into a joke ***
In the airport interview Bob Dylan held shortly after arriving in London for
his 1965 tour, he arrived carrying a large inflatable light bulb. He claimed
it was given to him "a very affectionate friend" but suggested upon further
questioning that there was no deeper reason why he was carrying this light
bulb. This interview, and Dylan arriving with the light bulb, can be seen in
the documentary film on Dylan's 1965 appearances in England called "Don't Look
Back," which is an outstanding feature length film I would call required
viewing for Dylan fans.
*** Another news item also waiting to be turned into a joke ***
Some French pop singer (Claud Francois I think) apparently slipped over and
died whilst standing up in the bath to change a lightbulb...
An item from a user on uk.misc : -
We developed a unique lighting system, that used only about a quarter of
the electricity for the same amount of light etc.
We won a Green award for it.
After spending about 250,000 pounds, we now have a company with a good
design, but no orders etc.
Does that count as a lightbulb joke ?
*** Yet another item waiting to be turned into a joke ***
Victor Meldrew (of "One foot in the grave" fame) starred in an advert in which
he's moving house but first stealing everything out of the old house. Then
comes a naff joke about having paid enough mortgage repayments to buy enough
lightbulbs to put Blackpool tower to shame. Then he gets into the car and
accidentally sits on the lightbulb. Ouch for both ! When asked what about a tip
for the removal men, he offers "Never put a lightbulb in your back pocket !"
And now, the winner of the Most Obtuse Award:
The question arises: has anyone discovered the academic rewards to be reaped
from developing new techniques of light bulb changing that require, say, three
chairs instead of two; or light bulb theory, in which it is discovered what
configurations of light bulb changers are equivalent and what classes of light
bulb changing patterns can be distinguished... ["Two-Way, Three-Chair Light
Bulb Changing Teams Are NP-Complete!", L.R. Knuth, L.A.L.R. Floyd, and E.R.
(Extremely Right) Dijk-stra, SIAM Journal on Light Bulbs, vol. 43, no. 3, March
1972]
From a post on alt.humor.best-of-usenet : -
One of many possible new schemes for encoding messages:
* Implosion Method. Write message on lightbulb. Implode lightbulb.
Recipient then reverses time continuum and grabs pre-imploded lightbulb
from alternate timeline, reads message, and tosses back for implosion
before anybody notices.
Advantages: NSA Clipper plans (oddly enough) do not extend as far as
including key/escrow chips in all time travel devices.
Disadvantages: Useless against the Great Race of Yith.
And finally - an item cut out from a newspaper ;
Headline : SHEDDING LIGHT ON AN OLD JOKE
How many people does it take to change a light bulb ? Forty-three, if they are
US government workers, an anti-bureaucracy drive has discovered. Regulations at
a Colorado power plant, where the bulb was a warning light, called for a
seven-man "work-control meeting", talks with workers who had changed the bulb
before plus approval from safety, logistics, waste management and scheduling
officials. Someone had to order the repair, someone else supervise it and
someone else again check the new bulb worked. It all took 1087.1 hours.
Same joke, same story, another incarnation : -
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components
plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke: An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S.
Department of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the
replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The beacon, similar to
the revolving red lamp atop a police car, warns workers of nuclear accidents.
The memo said the job should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace
the light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers 4.15 hours. The
memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a work-control meeting;
talk with other workers who have done the job before; meet again; get
signatures from five people at that work-control meeting; get the project plans
approved by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste management
and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality-beacon test; direct
electricians to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the repair.
Mark Obmascik in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)
Warm regards to all lightbulb joke fans. BRIAN.
===============================================
_------_
-~ ~-
- _ -
- |> -
- |< -
- |> -
- || -
- || -
-__||__-
|______|
<______>
<______>
\/
___,-----.___
,--' `--.
/ \
/ \
| |
| |
| |~~~~~~~~~| |
| \ / |
| \ / |
\ \ / /
\ | | /
\ | | /
\ | | /
\ | | /
\____|___| ___/
)___,-----'___(
)___,-----'___(
)___,-----'___(
)___,-----'___(
\_____________/
\___/
And now for some waffle (flames to alt.black.hole) from alt.fan.lightbulbs : -
(I'll turn some of this lot into proper jokes when I get the inspiration...)
Hello fellow lightbulb fans!
Be sure to check out _Gravity's Rainbow_ by Thomas Pynchon... about
2/3 of the way through he stops the narrative to give a "biography
of a lightbulb" that happens to be illuminating the action. This is
no ordinary bulb, but Byron the Bulb, an "immortal" bulb. Freed from
the threat of burning out, he schemes against the G.E. company, etc.
I happen to be of the opinion that lightbulbs are fatalists. They enjoy nothing
so much as conspiring to commit suicide in some interesting and noisy fashion.
For instance not more than a week ago a light fixture in my kitchen fell to the
floor with a resounding no doubt at the instigation of the neurotic
and suicidal lightbulb at the helm.
They also make a wonderful if you throw a whole box of them out of the
hotel window.
What we need is more good uses for these wonderful things that come in
every shape, size, and wattage, these things we call lightbulbs.
And someone suggests using them as dildoes.
Lots of shapes and sizes, just like men. Easy to warm up to the temperature
you prefer, at the flick of a switch. Neither your mother nor your husband
ask that embarrassing question, "I'm surprised YOU need one of those!?!" if
they see it by the side of your bed. Available in a wide range of shops.
Purchased without question, smirking or leering by shop staff.
Ummm, if you think I am kidding, just ask someone who works in accident
and emergency in a hospital...
In the past I have noticed that if one puts a half-silvered halogen bulb
into a household microwave it makes a quite spectacular little lightshow
whith moving globs of colored light and such. If you only go for a few
seconds at a time you can repeat this a number of times with a single
bulb. If you let it go too long the bulb explodes nicely.
I was just wondering if anybody had any thoughts on precisely what was
happening on the physical level to cause the nice light show, how this
might vary based on type of bulb, etc. Anybody?
Comment: Lightbulbs will be no more. :-( Looks like tubes (fluorescent) are
in and bulbs are out. Unless beryllium is used in tubes...
Response: Tubes have no filaments so they definitely do not rule.
They suck, they SUCK! Yeah mmm heheh. Except the colored ones,
which are pretty cool. Btw, uh huh, you said "tube", uh huh.
>What in god's name is "wolfram". Sounds like a bizarre marital aid.
Okay, every lightbulb fan should know that Wolfram
1) is the metal the filament of a lightbulb is made out of
2) is also known as "Tungsten" and chemically denoted "W"
3) atoms have 74 electrons in 6 shells and a mass of 183.85 g/mole
4) hence belongs to group VI, period 6, 6 also being the number
of chemical engineers it takes to screw in a lightbulb, for
reasons too obvious to elaborate on
(Too bad, they're not so obvious as to be obvious to me...)
Class dismissed, see ya next week.
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