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Софтпанорама 1995, No.4 ***** HUMOR ***** Составители Н.Н.БЕЗРУКОВ
И.СУВОРОВ
====================================================================
О К О Л О К О М П Ь Ю Т Е Р Н Ы Й
И С Т У Д Е Н Ч Е С К И Й Ю М О Р
їььв
From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy
Subject: Windows the new Generation (Part 1)
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 18 Jan 95 17:56:41 +1300
Organization: University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand
Lines: 39
Just a bit of lite humour
Copied without permission from
"Bits and Bytes" Dec 1994
(A good impartial New Zealand Computer Magazine)
Windows the newer generation
(A Peter friend [author] exclusive)
By now, you've all heard of Microsoft Windows Chicago - I mean Window 4.0 - I
mean Windows 95. But technology continues to march on down the information
superhighway, and Microsoft is already hard at work on the next version of
windows.
Originally codenamed Windows Eketahuna [a NZ town], then Windows 5.0, it was
recently renamed Windows 2001: A Space Odyssey, perhaps because it comes on 9
CD's and requires 64Mb of Ram and a 3Gb hard disk to run. These may seam like
excessive system requirements, but, on the other hand, the new version of
Solitaire is really good.
Windows 2001 is still only at the alpha testing stage, bit I can let you in on
a few of its exciting new features.
As well as running DOS, 16bit and 32bit Windows applications as you might
expect, Windows 2001 also allows for full OS/2, UNIX, AS/400, MAcintosh, Sega,
Nintendo, and Sinclair ZX Spectrum emulation. IBM is rumoured to be planning
its revenge with a really really good version of solitaire for the next version
of OS/2.
Personally, I found all the emulation modes very impressive, particularly the
way the Macintosh emulator reminds you to superglue down your second mouse
button. The ZX Spectrum option is also very interesting, coming with custom
device drivers for rubber keyboards and a new video card to make your superVGA
monitor look like a badly tuned TV.
----- more later as Its home time (tommorow) ------
Hope you enjoyed it so far
Mark
From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy
Subject: Windows 95 Cool User Program
Date: 17 Feb 1995 07:07:33 GMT
Organization: Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems
Lines: 48
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: dal27.onramp.net
X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09
WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for
Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which
time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then
remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95
ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of
cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman.
These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous
Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human
evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will
be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah,"
stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for
Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their
words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching
Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has
already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be
identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a
"bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column
"M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed
the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be
frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an
indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines
three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely
replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian
Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six
months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but
users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Forsythe [email protected] "Thankyou for playing Usenet."
From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy
Subject: Humor
Date: 17 Feb 1995 14:27:09 GMT
Organization: Express Access Online Communications, USA
Lines: 34
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: cpcug.org
X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NY, Feb 15 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS)
announced today today that seven more software companies have been added to the
group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way just so companies like
these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Aternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these comapnies force software to undergo lenthy and
arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees
are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside
sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granole. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
complied, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They
spend their whole lives cooped up on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and
are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed anymore."
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry
giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful
without resorting to software testing.
*******************************************************************
Robert H. MacTurk, Ph.D. [email protected]
Research Scientist [email protected]
Gallaudet University (V/TTY)202-651-5206
Washington, DC 20002 (FAX)202-651-5458
*******************************************************************
From: [email protected]@uniwa.uwa.edu.au
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 1994 11:05:03 GMT
Organization: The University of Western Australia
Lines: 66
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: u78.dialup.uwa.edu.au
X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.07
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Windows 95 - The right choice
So you've all heard of OS/2 Warp. Here's why Windows 95 is the right
operating system for you:
Enhanced error handling:
Over the past 12 months, MicroSoft have been working intensively on the
bugs inherent in Windows 3.1. The result: an advanced operating system
with greatly enhanced bugs. All of the Windows 3.1 bugs are present in
Windows 95, and run faster than ever. We have also introduced a range of
new bugs never before seen in an operating system of this type. Whether
you are a professional programmer, a casual user, or a game player,
Windows 95 offers a larger range of bugs than any other operating system
on the market.
32-bit Memory Managment:
Windows 95 offers full 32-bit management of 16 bit memory. After a
considerable amount of work, the familiar "General Protection Fault" is
nowhere to be seen. The GPF has been replaced by two significantly
improved errors:
"Specific Protection Fault" - used to corrupt an individual 16-bit
process.
"Global Protection Fault" - this powerful memory management
facility will allow a corrupt process not only to corrupt all other
running processes, but corrupt processes on all other machines within a
five-mile radius. Even now we are developing "pre-emptive" memory
management, which will be able to corrupt processes which are not yet
running.
Threaded Multi-Tasking:
The cooperative multi-tasking found in Winodws 3.1 has now been replaced
with the far more powerful "uncooperative multi-tasking". This
enhancement will allow several processes to crash simultaneously. Our
new crash protection facility greatly enhances the multi-tasking
environment. Should one process fail, the CPF will prevent this process
from being disturbed by other cleanly running processes. The
multi-threading environment allows one process to generate multiple
errors, while still remaing seprate from other threads.
Time Saving Abilities:
Everyone has had their system crash whilst editing a document that had
not yet been saved. Re-entering the lost data can be frustrating and
time-consuming. Windows 95 eliminates this problem by causing processes
to crash much earlier, significantly reducing data loss.
So, anyone can see why Windows 95 offers greater power at a greater price
than any other operating system available today. So, when choosing your
next operating system, remember our motto:
Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.
*** Important - This document is not a product of MicroSoft Corporation
(duh, the spelling is too good anyway). None of the
material contained within has been derived from
beta-testing of Windows 95 (call it a sort of educated
guess). It is for amusement purposes only, so if you
don't find it funny, feel free not to laugh.
- The Keeper of the Cheese
From ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.kei.com!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!phostetl Sat Dec 24 12:07:43 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.kei.com!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!phostetl
From: [email protected] (Paul Hostetler)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Re: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 1994 14:13:04 GMT
Organization: US Department of Entropy
Lines: 16
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
References: <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: beauty.magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu
Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31227 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21917 comp.windows.misc:3949 aus.jokes:5038 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42062 comp.os.os2.games:6347 comp.os.os2.misc:41201
Thus spake :
> Windows 95 - The right choice
[chop]
>next operating system, remember our motto:
> Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.
>
Jan 94
Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
Aug 94
Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
Dec 94
Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
and so on...
--
[email protected] * [email protected]
[email protected] * [email protected] * The end is nea
From ankh.iia.org!uunet!news.delphi.com!BIX.com!barryn Sat Dec 24 12:08:15 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!uunet!news.delphi.com!BIX.com!barryn
From: [email protected] (barryn on BIX)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Re: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 94 17:38:16 GMT
Organization: Delphi Internet Services Corporation
Lines: 14
Message-ID:
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bix.com
Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31265 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21942 comp.windows.misc:3967 aus.jokes:5044 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42108 comp.os.os2.games:6361 comp.os.os2.misc:41250
Paul Hostetler looks at some of the promised delivery dates for Win9:
:Jan 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
:Aug 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
:Dec 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
:and so on...
Kinda makes you think Microsoft has a fertility problem, doesn't it? (-:
Barry Nance
author, "Using OS/2 2.1", "Using OS/2 Warp, 3.0",
"Introduction to Networking", "Client/Server LAN Programming",
"Networking Windows for Workgroups", and "Guide to LAN Server".
From ankh.iia.org!uunet!panix!panix3.panix.com!melling Sat Dec 24 12:08:40 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!uunet!panix!panix3.panix.com!melling
From: [email protected] (Michael Mellinger)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Re: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 1994 12:50:31 -0500
Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC
Lines: 25
Message-ID:
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: panix3.panix.com
In-reply-to: [email protected]'s message of 21 Dec 1994 14:13:04 GMT
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In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (Paul Hostetler) writes:
Thus spake :
> Windows 95 - The right choice
[chop]
>next operating system, remember our motto:
> Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.
>
Jan 94
Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
Aug 94
Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
Dec 94
Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
and so on...
I wonder if Bill trying to have a baby with his new wife?
Seriously, if I have to wait until August, then until December/January
for 95.1, maybe OS/2 3.0 is seriously worth taking a look at. Will MS
still sell betas in January? The 150MHz Pentium will be out before MS
releases a 32 bit OS to kill DOS.
-Mike
Subject: Re: Is Windows 95 a "real OS" or not?
Date: 11 Jan 1995 02:40:37 -0800
Organization: Computer Science, University of B.C., Vancouver, B.C., Canada
NNTP-Posting-Host: keats.ugrad.cs.ubc.ca
>I have a question. Why is Windows95 code named
>Chicago?
>
>thanks
This calls for Kazinator's top 5:
#05: Bill Gates thinks he is Al Capone.
#04: Hoffa sounded too suggestive of what users ought to do with it.
#03: Chicago is full of wind.
#02: The software mafia will come and cram it down your throat.
And the number one reason is:
#01: You pay them, but alas! You still get no protection!
From ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!usenet.ucs.indiana.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!dziuxsolim.rutgers.edu!er2.rutgers.edu!not-for-mail Wed Dec 7 13:26:00 1994
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From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: alt.fan.bill-gates,comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.unix.advocacy
Subject: Re: UNIX login when telnet Microsoft.com
Date: 6 Dec 1994 02:13:53 -0500
Organization: Rutgers University
Lines: 31
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
References: <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: er2.rutgers.edu
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[email protected] (Phil Lafornara) writes:
>In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (David Glynn) writes:
>>
>>Who invented FUD?
> I believe that the term "FUD" was coined to refer to the practices
>of IBM. I don't remember who coined it, though.
> -Phil
I don't know about you, but the story I heard was that FUD was originally
invented when Amdahl Corp. made a mainframe that was fully compatible with
IBM and ran four times faster. IBM, starting a venerable tradition, declared
that it had a mainframe in the works that would trounce Amdahl's, and
encouraged its salesmen to sow "fear, uncertainty, and doubt" when
talking to its customers about Amdahl's reliabilty, compatibility,
viability as a company, etc... IBM's machine didn't arrive till
much later, of course; while meanwhile Amdahl suddenly had a hard time
selling its mainframes.
Of course, the ability to spread FUD depends on market presence and the
customer's "belief" in the company. Right now, that company is Microsoft, and
not IBM, who has neither the strong market presence nor the customer belief
in PC's that Microsoft possesses in software. While IBM deserves a
special degree of obliquy for introducing this practice to marketing, it
doesn't excuse the fact that Microsoft inexcusably practices FUD now, and is
in fact, the industry's preeminent practitioner.
J. Cho
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