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Ñîôòïàíîðàìà 1991, Vol.3. No.6 (36) ***HUMOR*** Ñîñòàâèòåëü: Í.Í. ÁÅÇÐÓÊÎÂ
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A few important rules for Real Programmers
Real Programmers don't write specs - users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
should be hard to read.
Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program
right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs
who can't do system programming.
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan
food.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy
application programmers.
Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in 'only
a few' 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
freaks and crystallography weenies.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are
around at 9 AM it's because they were up all night.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers
write in BASIC, after the age of 12.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in APL. Any fool can be obscure in
APL.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that
requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real
Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain
should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who
can't read the listings or the object deck.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
those computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with
weak memories.
Real Programmers know better than the users what they need.
Real Programmers think structured programming is a Communist plot.
Real Programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's
toadies. Real Programmers like to keep their managers in suspense.
Real Programmers think better when playing ADVENTURE.
Real Programmers enjoy setting CP/M to work on 370 machines and MVS
on their ZX81s.
Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems, they turn
off the RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security data
sets.
Real Programmers never update the source to reflect the ZAPs, after
all, it will be changed again tomorrow.
Real Programmers don't test. Testing is for people with weak nerves
and no self-confidence.
Real Programmers programs are always recursive and run in
supervisor state, else programming is no real fun.
Real Programmers never take backup.
Society
Groupthink : Two Party System as Polyarchy : Corruption of Regulators : Bureaucracies : Understanding Micromanagers and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers : Harvard Mafia : Diplomatic Communication : Surviving a Bad Performance Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience : Who Rules America : Neoliberalism : The Iron Law of Oligarchy : Libertarian Philosophy
Quotes
War and Peace : Skeptical Finance : John Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand : Oscar Wilde : Otto Von Bismarck : Keynes : George Carlin : Skeptics : Propaganda : SE quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes : Random IT-related quotes : Somerset Maugham : Marcus Aurelius : Kurt Vonnegut : Eric Hoffer : Winston Churchill : Napoleon Bonaparte : Ambrose Bierce : Bernard Shaw : Mark Twain Quotes
Bulletin:
Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient markets hypothesis : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 : Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 23, No.10 (October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments : Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 : Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 : Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan (Win32/Crilock.A) : Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers as intelligence collection hubs : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : Inequality Bulletin, 2009 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Copyleft Problems Bulletin, 2004 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Energy Bulletin, 2010 : Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26, No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 : Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05 (May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method : Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law
History:
Fifty glorious years (1950-2000): the triumph of the US computer engineering : Donald Knuth : TAoCP and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman : Linus Torvalds : Larry Wall : John K. Ousterhout : CTSS : Multix OS Unix History : Unix shell history : VI editor : History of pipes concept : Solaris : MS DOS : Programming Languages History : PL/1 : Simula 67 : C : History of GCC development : Scripting Languages : Perl history : OS History : Mail : DNS : SSH : CPU Instruction Sets : SPARC systems 1987-2006 : Norton Commander : Norton Utilities : Norton Ghost : Frontpage history : Malware Defense History : GNU Screen : OSS early history
Classic books:
The Peter Principle : Parkinson Law : 1984 : The Mythical Man-Month : How to Solve It by George Polya : The Art of Computer Programming : The Elements of Programming Style : The Unix Hater’s Handbook : The Jargon file : The True Believer : Programming Pearls : The Good Soldier Svejk : The Power Elite
Most popular humor pages:
Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society : Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection : BSD Logo Story : The Cuckoo's Egg : IT Slang : C++ Humor : ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? : The Perl Purity Test : Object oriented programmers of all nations : Financial Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related Humor : Programming Language Humor : Goldman Sachs related humor : Greenspan humor : C Humor : Scripting Humor : Real Programmers Humor : Web Humor : GPL-related Humor : OFM Humor : Politically Incorrect Humor : IDS Humor : "Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church : Richard Stallman Related Humor : Admin Humor : Perl-related Humor : Linus Torvalds Related humor : PseudoScience Related Humor : Networking Humor : Shell Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2012 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2013 : Java Humor : Software Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor : Education Humor : IBM Humor : Assembler-related Humor : VIM Humor : Computer Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer Humor
The Last but not Least Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt. Ph.D
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